Here is a statement which sounds shocking to many modern people: while choosing a life partner you should apply some standards to the whole process! Yes, this means you should judge potential candidates, including on their appearance since what is on the outside often reflects values inside.
The decision whom to marry is probably the most important decision of your whole life. More important than what a career path to choose. While some couples are infertile or stay childless for another reason, for the vast majority creating a family means getting children. And children inherit their genetic material from both parents.
Recent research in this area shows that in most cases, nature will triumph over nurture. Besides biology, children need a stable environment to grow in, which excludes being raised by addicts, mental cases, criminals or simply people who don't take their commitments seriously and will walk out when the first thrill dies and everyday boredom creeps in.
And even when you can't or won't have children it's much nicer to have a spouse who supports you and whom you can trust, not the one who beats you black and blue or runs away with a milkman taking half (or more) of your stuff.
I'm really shocked how easily marriages among the younger generation fall apart. Married at 23 divorced at 25 seems to be the motto. It's difficult to say who exactly is more guilty, men or women since both sexes nowadays aren't taught what the marriage is all about. Hint, it's not just glorified dating.
Historically speaking, though both men and women can cheat and destroy their marriage, women used to be taught to use their "feminine wiles" to keep their men, as we know from historical examples (such as all these harem life stories where women would fight tooth and nail to win the attentions of the powerful men), but it's a bit off topic for now. May be, I''ll write a post about it one day, and in the meanwhile you can always read Fascinating Womanhood.
Besides FW, the author also wrote a book called Fascinating Girl, where she gives advice on how to win a husband and discusses among other things, which qualities to look for in men, for instance, honesty, integrity and high moral standards (p.185), good basic education, wisdom, good judgement (p. 186) and masculine traits (Does he look and act like a man? Would he made a good father? (idem). Undoubtedly, men looking for a wife should ask themselves similar questions.
Here I'm going to say something which many would probably not approve of. Past behaviour is usually a good predictor of future behaviour. Some Christians think that if one is "born again" he/she automatically changes. It's true to some point, but a Christian life is often a struggle and past sins and bad habits can haunt a person for a very long time. It's up to you to decide whether you want such a baggage.
For the record, I knew a "born again Christian" guy who after a less than stellar life married a nice girl and had several children with her (because God tells us to be fruitful and multiply) and then ran away with another. It's up to you to decide which risks you are prepared to take, but marriage is a very serious business and no one should be criticised for exercising precautions before tying the knot. Actually, it should be vice versa, people marrying on a whim and divorcing after a couple of years are those who should be met with disapproval.
Fascinating Girl mentions the type of men to avoid: addicts, those who are promiscuous or have loose morals, lazy or dishonest types or those with a harsh temper are some examples mentioned (p.187). I should say it basically goes for both sexes. Don't marry someone to "reform them", it seldom works.
The Scriptures teach us not to be unequally yoked. It's usually interpreted as not marrying outside of faith. Faith for Christians is essential, but there is more to it than just that. When the prospective spouse comes of a vastly different background, social standing, culture, ethnicity etc it all can and will create potential for future problems.With some exceptions, like should generally marry like.
Again, it's a personal decision. I'm not presuming to tell anyone what their standards should be. They should be realistic though. Before aiming for the stars, evaluate if you yourself are a great catch. Don't marry someone only for their status or material possessions. On the other hand, marriages based on "love only" are the ones who fall apart the most. And Helen Andelin agrees with me:
Love standing alone...means very little...everyone who marries is in love. But, how many marriages succeed?...love in itself is not a justification for marrying a man. (p.188).
A word of caution about marrying divorced people. I know some churches forbid remarriage in all cases. I'm not of that school of thought. We live in a broken world and after a certain age it's difficult to avoid divorced folks if you are dating. Sometimes second families are very successful. You should look into the reasons someone is divorced though. If the woman is divorced because she cheated on her first husband, the chance is big she will cheat on you, too. If the guy you date was left by his wife because he was too lazy to earn a living, prepare to be the breadwinner of the family. Etc etc.
If you use your common sense, you should be OK. Just don't let your feelings overrule it.
Showing posts with label Fascinating Womanhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fascinating Womanhood. Show all posts
Monday, October 1, 2018
Friday, March 9, 2018
The Deficit Of Attention
No, I'm not talking about ADD here. The article I linked in my previous post has this interesting statement:
She argued that when working women return from work in the evenings they spend as little as 90 minutes with their babies before they put them to bed - and then find that they don't sleep through the night as they're craving attention.
Another thing noblewomen of old did with their time was praying, in fact, old novels often describe how they could spend hours seeking God and meditating on His Word. It was considered a virtue for women to be so religious. I once read a contemporary Christian book for wives, which I'll leave unnamed, but I remember one piece of advice they gave to women is to serve dinner on the paper plates, and the time thus saved (since you wouldn't have to wash the dishes) could be used for...Not for prayer or a Bible study, of course, but for working on your Home Business!
As you see, our priorities are quite different.
Besides being a caregiver a woman plays another important role in relation to her husband or just men of her family in general. She is a cheerleader. Fascinating Womanhood states that a man needs attention and admiration, and it's true. He comes home from work and expects his wife to be thrilled to see him again and tell him he does a great job providing. But if she has taken upon herself the male role of bread-winning, she comes home and expects the same from him. Since most men are simply not wired this way, the marriage will sooner or later be on the rocks.
As a society, we neglect our young and our elderly and sacrifice our marriages to Mammon. Is this extra vacation or a bigger house really worth it?
She argued that when working women return from work in the evenings they spend as little as 90 minutes with their babies before they put them to bed - and then find that they don't sleep through the night as they're craving attention.
Another thing noblewomen of old did with their time was praying, in fact, old novels often describe how they could spend hours seeking God and meditating on His Word. It was considered a virtue for women to be so religious. I once read a contemporary Christian book for wives, which I'll leave unnamed, but I remember one piece of advice they gave to women is to serve dinner on the paper plates, and the time thus saved (since you wouldn't have to wash the dishes) could be used for...Not for prayer or a Bible study, of course, but for working on your Home Business!
As you see, our priorities are quite different.
Besides being a caregiver a woman plays another important role in relation to her husband or just men of her family in general. She is a cheerleader. Fascinating Womanhood states that a man needs attention and admiration, and it's true. He comes home from work and expects his wife to be thrilled to see him again and tell him he does a great job providing. But if she has taken upon herself the male role of bread-winning, she comes home and expects the same from him. Since most men are simply not wired this way, the marriage will sooner or later be on the rocks.
As a society, we neglect our young and our elderly and sacrifice our marriages to Mammon. Is this extra vacation or a bigger house really worth it?
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Discouragement
By this time my regular readers must have noticed the disappearance of yet another homemaking blog. The lady owner got discouraged by the negative remarks of people around her, including her own family, on her choice of occupation and ended up deleting it.
It's certainly true that society is sometimes downright hostile to housewives, especially in some countries/regions, but more often than not, you will be just viewed with cold indifference. People are generally self-centered, and having raised an eyebrow or two, they will usually return to contemplating their own problems.
It can be different on the internet which often serves as a magnifying glass, and, unfortunately, many women have become victims of planned troll attacks. Here one rule applies: if you can't stand heat, get out of the kitchen. Whether we like it or not, internet is a public space and it attracts all sorts of folks from basically everywhere on Earth. Some of them are freaks and perverts, or simply downright nasty, sadistic individuals who enjoy bullying others they disagree with. In real life they risk unpleasant consequences for this type of behaviour, so they engage in it online.
Though I perfectly well understand blogging fatigue and the desire to keep private things private I think that as adults we should be able to persist in doing what we think is right ignoring naysayers. We shouldn't expect lavish praise for our choices, either. As Helen Andelin wrote in Fascinating Womanhood, having the moral courage to do the right thing no matter the consequences is the basis of good character.
Running the household well isn't considered important nowadays yet there are still lots of women who choose full time homemaking as their profession. Some only for a couple of years, while the children are small, others even though childless or empty-nesters. Lots of them have blogs where they discuss things they do at home, positive things, such as organising birthday parties for their kids, or interior decorating, or cooking or gardening or other things. There are also lots of homemakers in real life, so why not concentrating on the positive instead of negative?
We also are blessed with YouTube where one can watch old TV shows such as I Love Lucy presenting homemaking in a positive light. In a way, it's probably easier to be a homemaker now than it was in the 1990s, before the internet. We should all try to support each other, online and in real life, too. If you know a lonely homemaker, please invite her to a cup of tea!
It's certainly true that society is sometimes downright hostile to housewives, especially in some countries/regions, but more often than not, you will be just viewed with cold indifference. People are generally self-centered, and having raised an eyebrow or two, they will usually return to contemplating their own problems.
It can be different on the internet which often serves as a magnifying glass, and, unfortunately, many women have become victims of planned troll attacks. Here one rule applies: if you can't stand heat, get out of the kitchen. Whether we like it or not, internet is a public space and it attracts all sorts of folks from basically everywhere on Earth. Some of them are freaks and perverts, or simply downright nasty, sadistic individuals who enjoy bullying others they disagree with. In real life they risk unpleasant consequences for this type of behaviour, so they engage in it online.
Though I perfectly well understand blogging fatigue and the desire to keep private things private I think that as adults we should be able to persist in doing what we think is right ignoring naysayers. We shouldn't expect lavish praise for our choices, either. As Helen Andelin wrote in Fascinating Womanhood, having the moral courage to do the right thing no matter the consequences is the basis of good character.
Running the household well isn't considered important nowadays yet there are still lots of women who choose full time homemaking as their profession. Some only for a couple of years, while the children are small, others even though childless or empty-nesters. Lots of them have blogs where they discuss things they do at home, positive things, such as organising birthday parties for their kids, or interior decorating, or cooking or gardening or other things. There are also lots of homemakers in real life, so why not concentrating on the positive instead of negative?
We also are blessed with YouTube where one can watch old TV shows such as I Love Lucy presenting homemaking in a positive light. In a way, it's probably easier to be a homemaker now than it was in the 1990s, before the internet. We should all try to support each other, online and in real life, too. If you know a lonely homemaker, please invite her to a cup of tea!
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Feminine Manner, Part 2
Helen Andelin devotes the whole sub-chapter to the discussion of refinement. Refinement "implies good social breeding", otherwise knows as good manners, that is, such qualities as courteousness, consideration of the feelings of others, good taste, tact etc. (Fascinating Womanhood, p.260, Bantam Books, 1992).
A refined person is never impolite, crude or vulgar. Such a person won't interrupt other people speaking, monopolise the conversation, bring up the embarrassing subjects, or speak only about oneself.
A refined lady won't swear or use profane language. She will avoid doing certain things in public, such as blowing her nose. Another thing to avoid is to openly demonstrate your affection for your husband in public, by stroking his hair, for instance. This and similar displays of emotions belong in the private sphere.
Mrs Andelin reminds us that refined taste is shown in the way we dress, style our hair, use make-up, but also in interior decorating of our homes. The way to cultivate the refined taste is to study fine art and listen to good music. Refinement means basically being courteous in the company of others and avoiding to hurt other people's feelings unnnecessary.
We should also try not to impose on others, for instance by fishing for dinner invitations or constantly borrowing things from other people. Helen Andelin points out that a woman doesn´t need to be beautiful to be feminine. You still can attract men by being ´tender, soft, fun~loving...innocent and pure` even if you are not a classical beauty (idem, p.263).
Helen gives a couple of real life examples of the women who had improved their marriages by following her teachings. One story is that of a woman who was raised like a boy, worked hard on a farm and `never had any frilly feminine things` and used to think that `perfume...and frilly lingerie were for fancy town women who never did anything useful...´ (idem, p.265)
When she got married she went on to dominate her husband and to boss him around and he allowed her. As a result, their relationship deteriorated, they kept fighting about money, the dissatisfied wife found a job and started preparing for divorce. Fascinating Womanhood changed her life as she finally understood that the man needs his `freedom, acceptance, praise...and love` and that `feminine wiles and ways` are a better way to motivate him than aggressively pushing him into doing things. (p.266).
In the end of the chapter, Mrs Andelin reminds her readers that outdoor parties should not be seen as occasions to behave unfeminine, which is especially facilitated by wearing casual clothes (pants) and cautions against such actions as slapping men on the back, yelling, roaring with laughter and the like. She then sums it all up by providing a list of do´s and don´ts.
Next time I´ll discuss feminine nature.
A refined person is never impolite, crude or vulgar. Such a person won't interrupt other people speaking, monopolise the conversation, bring up the embarrassing subjects, or speak only about oneself.
A refined lady won't swear or use profane language. She will avoid doing certain things in public, such as blowing her nose. Another thing to avoid is to openly demonstrate your affection for your husband in public, by stroking his hair, for instance. This and similar displays of emotions belong in the private sphere.
Mrs Andelin reminds us that refined taste is shown in the way we dress, style our hair, use make-up, but also in interior decorating of our homes. The way to cultivate the refined taste is to study fine art and listen to good music. Refinement means basically being courteous in the company of others and avoiding to hurt other people's feelings unnnecessary.
We should also try not to impose on others, for instance by fishing for dinner invitations or constantly borrowing things from other people. Helen Andelin points out that a woman doesn´t need to be beautiful to be feminine. You still can attract men by being ´tender, soft, fun~loving...innocent and pure` even if you are not a classical beauty (idem, p.263).
Helen gives a couple of real life examples of the women who had improved their marriages by following her teachings. One story is that of a woman who was raised like a boy, worked hard on a farm and `never had any frilly feminine things` and used to think that `perfume...and frilly lingerie were for fancy town women who never did anything useful...´ (idem, p.265)
When she got married she went on to dominate her husband and to boss him around and he allowed her. As a result, their relationship deteriorated, they kept fighting about money, the dissatisfied wife found a job and started preparing for divorce. Fascinating Womanhood changed her life as she finally understood that the man needs his `freedom, acceptance, praise...and love` and that `feminine wiles and ways` are a better way to motivate him than aggressively pushing him into doing things. (p.266).
In the end of the chapter, Mrs Andelin reminds her readers that outdoor parties should not be seen as occasions to behave unfeminine, which is especially facilitated by wearing casual clothes (pants) and cautions against such actions as slapping men on the back, yelling, roaring with laughter and the like. She then sums it all up by providing a list of do´s and don´ts.
Next time I´ll discuss feminine nature.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Feminine Manner, Part 1
Since there is so much interest in the topic of femininity I'd like to write more about it using Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood as a guide. Last year I did a post about feminine appearance based on her book (for those interested, search the label Fascinating Womanhood), but she also devoted a whole chapter to the feminine manner and another one to the feminine nature.
Mrs Andelin points out that a woman can dress feminine, but if her manners and behaviour are not, it will produce a comical effect. She also explains that men find the feminine manner attractive since it forms contrast with their masculinity.
She gives practical advice about hands, walk and voice (don't gesticulate wildly, don't pound on the table, don't slap people on the back, don't walk like men do, avoid talking too loud, but also avoid mumbling or speaking in monotonous voice) and suggests reading aloud to improve one's manner of speaking (Fascinating Womanhood, pp. 256, 257, Bantam Books, 1992).
Another thing to be avoided is to laugh in masculine manner, such as roaring with laughter, and certain facial expressions, such as deep frown and hardness in the eyes. Mrs Andelin states that such unfeminine facial expressions often are a result of a harsh, overtly critical character and suggests working at improving both.
She also gives some hints on how to bewitch a man you love by the way you talk to him and behave (p. 258, 259).
Helen then takes on feminine conversation. She warns women against talking too much and being self-centered in their conversation (talking only about one's own children, husband, problems etc), because it's boring to other people. A woman shouldn't try to dominate the conversation or speak in a vulgar, crude manner, and she should try to avoid making catty remarks about persons she dislikes. A feminine woman will also show tenderness towards children and those less fortunate and avoid heated arguments (pp. 259, 260)
In my next post I'll discuss refinement and feminine wiles.
Mrs Andelin points out that a woman can dress feminine, but if her manners and behaviour are not, it will produce a comical effect. She also explains that men find the feminine manner attractive since it forms contrast with their masculinity.
She gives practical advice about hands, walk and voice (don't gesticulate wildly, don't pound on the table, don't slap people on the back, don't walk like men do, avoid talking too loud, but also avoid mumbling or speaking in monotonous voice) and suggests reading aloud to improve one's manner of speaking (Fascinating Womanhood, pp. 256, 257, Bantam Books, 1992).
Another thing to be avoided is to laugh in masculine manner, such as roaring with laughter, and certain facial expressions, such as deep frown and hardness in the eyes. Mrs Andelin states that such unfeminine facial expressions often are a result of a harsh, overtly critical character and suggests working at improving both.
She also gives some hints on how to bewitch a man you love by the way you talk to him and behave (p. 258, 259).
Helen then takes on feminine conversation. She warns women against talking too much and being self-centered in their conversation (talking only about one's own children, husband, problems etc), because it's boring to other people. A woman shouldn't try to dominate the conversation or speak in a vulgar, crude manner, and she should try to avoid making catty remarks about persons she dislikes. A feminine woman will also show tenderness towards children and those less fortunate and avoid heated arguments (pp. 259, 260)
In my next post I'll discuss refinement and feminine wiles.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Make Him Number One, Part 3
Helen Andelin stresses that the best opportunity to show to a man that he is number one for his wife is when he comes home. Returning home from work should be a pleasant time for your husband. She suggests that all the housework should be done or at least out of the way as much as possible, including such things as craft projects. The wife should look attractive and greet her husband with a smile, and the children should wait until later before they bother him with their problems.
According to Helen: "Such a greeting will make an amazing difference in his life, in reducing strain and bringing peace and rest." (Fascinating Womanhood, Bantam Books 1992, p.96).
Next Mrs Andelin discusses whether the man must make his wife number one. I touched upon this subject in one of my movie reviews, so bear with me repeating myself:) According to FW principles, "it's not always possible or even right for a man to make his wife number one in his life" (idem). The reason for this is that a man's first duty is to provide a living, which means that he often must spend a lot of time away from home and family. Such men nowadays are criticised for being "workaholics", but as Helen points out, "In reality, he is putting you first. He is working for you and your children." (idem).
Men have also another important role to play, that of building a society, "of making the world a better place." (idem). The man fulfilling his duty to society needs a supportive wife who understands his responsibilities, such as Mrs. Dwight D. Eisenhower, who accepted the fact that her husband's first duty was to his country and not his family.
When the wife fails to make her husband number one it creates a rift in the marriage (I witnessed it at first hand) and may drive the husband into the arms of another woman. I can't stress how important it is for the wife to give enough attention to her husband, at least if she doesn't want their marriage to end in divorce court. As Helen rightly observes, "...your husband will feel a deficiency" (idem). If he is a liberal and lives in a state of cognitive dissonance he will not object to you pursuing your own career and hobbies at his expense, but "something inside which was always denied for so many years" may cause him to just pack up his things and go with a vague explanation of "falling out of love".
Mrs Andelin illustrates this point further with real life examples of the ladies who nearly ruined their marriages by neglecting their husbands. Luckily for them, they were given a second chance, but these situations don't always have a happy end, that's why it's important to keep it in mind:
Always make your husband number one!
According to Helen: "Such a greeting will make an amazing difference in his life, in reducing strain and bringing peace and rest." (Fascinating Womanhood, Bantam Books 1992, p.96).
Next Mrs Andelin discusses whether the man must make his wife number one. I touched upon this subject in one of my movie reviews, so bear with me repeating myself:) According to FW principles, "it's not always possible or even right for a man to make his wife number one in his life" (idem). The reason for this is that a man's first duty is to provide a living, which means that he often must spend a lot of time away from home and family. Such men nowadays are criticised for being "workaholics", but as Helen points out, "In reality, he is putting you first. He is working for you and your children." (idem).
Men have also another important role to play, that of building a society, "of making the world a better place." (idem). The man fulfilling his duty to society needs a supportive wife who understands his responsibilities, such as Mrs. Dwight D. Eisenhower, who accepted the fact that her husband's first duty was to his country and not his family.
When the wife fails to make her husband number one it creates a rift in the marriage (I witnessed it at first hand) and may drive the husband into the arms of another woman. I can't stress how important it is for the wife to give enough attention to her husband, at least if she doesn't want their marriage to end in divorce court. As Helen rightly observes, "...your husband will feel a deficiency" (idem). If he is a liberal and lives in a state of cognitive dissonance he will not object to you pursuing your own career and hobbies at his expense, but "something inside which was always denied for so many years" may cause him to just pack up his things and go with a vague explanation of "falling out of love".
Mrs Andelin illustrates this point further with real life examples of the ladies who nearly ruined their marriages by neglecting their husbands. Luckily for them, they were given a second chance, but these situations don't always have a happy end, that's why it's important to keep it in mind:
Always make your husband number one!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Make Him Number One, Part 2.
As promised, here comes the second post in the series:
Mrs Andelin devotes a whole sub-chapter to illustrate the ways how children are put first. She discusses the situation where the husband wants to move to further his business, but the wife refuses, because she fears it will disadvantage the children (I know from personal experience that it happens more often than we think. Usually, it goes along the line that the children will miss their school friends/have to learn a new language etc).
Mrs Andelin points out that there is a difference between endangering the welfare of one's children and pampering them so that they would never experience the slightest discomfort. The same holds true for choosing a house. Wives can press their husband to go beyond their means, motivating it as the necessity "for the sake of the children", but, as Helen states, the husband often isn't "inclined to place his children's wishes ahead of his own." (F.W., Bantam Books 1992, p.91).
Another problem situation is when the husband has to compete for attention with his own children. Mrs Andelin states that some wives actually enjoy their husband working long hours away from home, so that they can devote themselves to their kids without his interference. In this case, the poor guy is basically reduced to the paycheck he brings. Helen also warns the wives against buying things for the children the family can't afford and being more interested in one's children than one's husband.
However, children aren't the only thing which the wives tend to put first. Some women are so obsessed with their housekeeping that the husbands feel themselves strangers in their own households, afraid to drop a crumb. To quote the book, "create a home, not a showplace. (idem, p.93), or, in other words, the king is more important than his castle.
Some women ignore their husbands by spending countless hours on their appearance (though every self-respecting person should try and look his best at any occasion, like all other things, it can be overdone), can't cut the apron strings tying them to their parents, or are more interested in their husbands' money and status than in them as human beings. There are also ladies who prevent their husbands from expanding their businesses because they are afraid to lose financial security.
To quote Mrs Andelin: "...when you make a man number one you must also make his work, plans, and goals number one." (p.94).
Next time, we'll discuss among other things, what to do when a man comes home, and whether he should make you number one.
Mrs Andelin devotes a whole sub-chapter to illustrate the ways how children are put first. She discusses the situation where the husband wants to move to further his business, but the wife refuses, because she fears it will disadvantage the children (I know from personal experience that it happens more often than we think. Usually, it goes along the line that the children will miss their school friends/have to learn a new language etc).
Mrs Andelin points out that there is a difference between endangering the welfare of one's children and pampering them so that they would never experience the slightest discomfort. The same holds true for choosing a house. Wives can press their husband to go beyond their means, motivating it as the necessity "for the sake of the children", but, as Helen states, the husband often isn't "inclined to place his children's wishes ahead of his own." (F.W., Bantam Books 1992, p.91).
Another problem situation is when the husband has to compete for attention with his own children. Mrs Andelin states that some wives actually enjoy their husband working long hours away from home, so that they can devote themselves to their kids without his interference. In this case, the poor guy is basically reduced to the paycheck he brings. Helen also warns the wives against buying things for the children the family can't afford and being more interested in one's children than one's husband.
However, children aren't the only thing which the wives tend to put first. Some women are so obsessed with their housekeeping that the husbands feel themselves strangers in their own households, afraid to drop a crumb. To quote the book, "create a home, not a showplace. (idem, p.93), or, in other words, the king is more important than his castle.
Some women ignore their husbands by spending countless hours on their appearance (though every self-respecting person should try and look his best at any occasion, like all other things, it can be overdone), can't cut the apron strings tying them to their parents, or are more interested in their husbands' money and status than in them as human beings. There are also ladies who prevent their husbands from expanding their businesses because they are afraid to lose financial security.
To quote Mrs Andelin: "...when you make a man number one you must also make his work, plans, and goals number one." (p.94).
Next time, we'll discuss among other things, what to do when a man comes home, and whether he should make you number one.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Make Him Number One
This is a piece of advice from Helen Andelin's famous book Fascinating Womanhood. We often forget how our husbands need our attention, especially when we are busy with children, friends and our own projects. We forget to make our husbands a priority in our life and it can lead to all sorts of marital problems.
As Mrs Andelin points out: "A man wants a woman who will place him at the top of her priority list, not second but first." (F.W., p.67, 1992 Bantam Books, emphasis mine). This desire may be subconscious, but if it's not met it "surfaces violently" and may cause a man "to form bitter resentments towards his wife and even his children." (idem)
This is something we as a society have totally forgotten. Being a devoted wife will more often than not bring ridicule upon one's head. It's still kinda OK for a woman to devote herself to children, but her husband? The stereotypical "Stepford wife" of the 1950s bringing slippers to the man coming home from work is still the object of relentless mockery, even though she has all but disappeared out of the public view.
However, as Mrs Andelin rightly points out, a man is a human being and he doesn't like being reduced to a walking ATM, "a social asset" or "a ticket to security". He wants to be loved for being himself, not for serving as a means to an end (don't we all want it?).
There are many ways a woman can make her husband feel neglected. It's obviously quite common when the wife has a career of her own, but it happens with homemakers, too. In fact, according to Helen Andelin, all women have this tendency and should constantly be on guard against it.
One of the things most often placed in front of one's husband are children. Motherly devotion is undoubtedly a noble feeling, but as Mrs Andelin illustrates with her story of a certain Clara, a husband who is constantly forced to play second fiddle to his own kids will grow resentful and may even grow indifferent towards them.
Helen gives one rule to keep in mind:
Don't put the comforts and whims of your children ahead of your husband's basic needs, and further adds that a woman can "serve both husband and children without conflict" and that a happy husband makes for a happy marriage and a happy home (p.90).
In my next post I''ll write more about this topic. Stay tuned!
As Mrs Andelin points out: "A man wants a woman who will place him at the top of her priority list, not second but first." (F.W., p.67, 1992 Bantam Books, emphasis mine). This desire may be subconscious, but if it's not met it "surfaces violently" and may cause a man "to form bitter resentments towards his wife and even his children." (idem)
This is something we as a society have totally forgotten. Being a devoted wife will more often than not bring ridicule upon one's head. It's still kinda OK for a woman to devote herself to children, but her husband? The stereotypical "Stepford wife" of the 1950s bringing slippers to the man coming home from work is still the object of relentless mockery, even though she has all but disappeared out of the public view.
However, as Mrs Andelin rightly points out, a man is a human being and he doesn't like being reduced to a walking ATM, "a social asset" or "a ticket to security". He wants to be loved for being himself, not for serving as a means to an end (don't we all want it?).
There are many ways a woman can make her husband feel neglected. It's obviously quite common when the wife has a career of her own, but it happens with homemakers, too. In fact, according to Helen Andelin, all women have this tendency and should constantly be on guard against it.
One of the things most often placed in front of one's husband are children. Motherly devotion is undoubtedly a noble feeling, but as Mrs Andelin illustrates with her story of a certain Clara, a husband who is constantly forced to play second fiddle to his own kids will grow resentful and may even grow indifferent towards them.
Helen gives one rule to keep in mind:
Don't put the comforts and whims of your children ahead of your husband's basic needs, and further adds that a woman can "serve both husband and children without conflict" and that a happy husband makes for a happy marriage and a happy home (p.90).
In my next post I''ll write more about this topic. Stay tuned!
Saturday, September 27, 2014
The Man in The Gray Flannel Suit
It took me some time but I finally watched this movie (thanks to Mark from Upon Hope for the recommendation). I actually had to watch it two times before I was able to more or less determine my attitude to the characters depicted in the story.
It's a movie which is rather difficult to review without spoilers, so be warned:) The main character Tom Rath, played by Gregory Peck works at a dead-end job which barely allows him to support his family at a middle class standard and has three children and a nagging wife called Betsy. He served in the army during WWII and is unable to forget the things he went through, including an affair with an Italian woman he picked up in Rome.
His wife's demands finally push him to apply for a better-paid job at a major corporate network but as he tries to adjust to his new working environment he must face some ethical and moral issues, which present a challenge to him. There is not much "action" in the movie, but it is a powerful drama with some good acting, which could be recommended to anyone interested in the mid-20th century American way of life.
When I first watched the film I was very much annoyed with his wife's behaviour until the last ten minutes or so. She came across as an ungrateful woman who couldn't appreciate her husband's hard work or sympathise with him and his problems, and constantly wanted more. However, after I watched it again I started understanding her better. The movie is an adaptation of a novel which possibly provided more details, but as far as I could get it, both Tom and his wife came from an affluent background (judging by the house he inherited from his Grandma) and then it makes sense that Betsy expected him to do better.
Tom's problems seemed to have come from the fact that he was inherently a decent man. Someone else probably wouldn't be half bothered by the fact that he had to lie to his wife or kill men during the war and certainly wouldn't be worried about the possibility of having a child with a woman who was basically a prostitute.
While being a decent man with a conscience is certainly a positive trait, on the other hand, Tom was too much of what they call nowadays a "beta provider." He allowed his wife to nag and push him around. He hesitated to confront his colleagues and wouldn't take action to confront his Grandma's servant who basically robbed him of half his inheritance until forced to (by his wife, no less). Heck, even his children disrespected him. In the end, he found courage to face his personal demons risking something which was very important to him - his family, in the process, which was shown as a positive development in the movie.
There is another, minor plot line about his new boss Ralph Hopkins, the network owner, and his family problems, which perfectly illustrates that (some) women are never happy, as my husband informed me:) They complain when the husband brings too little money, but they are also unhappy when he spends his whole time at work. (BTW, Susan, the daughter, was a spoiled brat who deserved to be disinherited).
The movie is true to life in depicting two basic types of men: "the 9 to 5" guys who lack ambition and go back to their family, and those who like Hopkins are driven by their ambition to reach the top of the ladder, whether in business or in politics. In the times past, wives were taught to accept it as the benefits of being married to such a man outweighed the drawbacks. However, as the film shows, mid-20th century wives were rebelling against this arrangement, which probably contributed to the success of the second wave feminism.
It's interesting that Helen Andelin addresses the very same problem in "Fascinating Womanhood" (Bantam Books, 1992, p.96): "It is not always possible or even right for a man to make his wife number one in his life...In addition to making the living, men have always shouldered the responsibility of making the world a better place.They have largely been the builders of society, have solved world problems, and developed new ideas for the benefit of all...If you examine the life of these noble public servants, you usually find a wife...content to take a second place. President and Mrs Dwight D. Eisenhower are a good example of this. Mrs Eisenhower recalls that...her husband drew her aside one evening and said, `...My country comes first, and you second`...and that is the way they lived."
I think the idea behind the story was that you can´t live with lies with which I agree wholeheartedly and also that family is more important than all other things (with which I agree but partly, see above.) Anyway, it was a great movie, and I can recommend it to everyone.
Watch The Man In The Gray Flannel Suit on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEWZpUhDu8g
It's a movie which is rather difficult to review without spoilers, so be warned:) The main character Tom Rath, played by Gregory Peck works at a dead-end job which barely allows him to support his family at a middle class standard and has three children and a nagging wife called Betsy. He served in the army during WWII and is unable to forget the things he went through, including an affair with an Italian woman he picked up in Rome.
His wife's demands finally push him to apply for a better-paid job at a major corporate network but as he tries to adjust to his new working environment he must face some ethical and moral issues, which present a challenge to him. There is not much "action" in the movie, but it is a powerful drama with some good acting, which could be recommended to anyone interested in the mid-20th century American way of life.
When I first watched the film I was very much annoyed with his wife's behaviour until the last ten minutes or so. She came across as an ungrateful woman who couldn't appreciate her husband's hard work or sympathise with him and his problems, and constantly wanted more. However, after I watched it again I started understanding her better. The movie is an adaptation of a novel which possibly provided more details, but as far as I could get it, both Tom and his wife came from an affluent background (judging by the house he inherited from his Grandma) and then it makes sense that Betsy expected him to do better.
Tom's problems seemed to have come from the fact that he was inherently a decent man. Someone else probably wouldn't be half bothered by the fact that he had to lie to his wife or kill men during the war and certainly wouldn't be worried about the possibility of having a child with a woman who was basically a prostitute.
While being a decent man with a conscience is certainly a positive trait, on the other hand, Tom was too much of what they call nowadays a "beta provider." He allowed his wife to nag and push him around. He hesitated to confront his colleagues and wouldn't take action to confront his Grandma's servant who basically robbed him of half his inheritance until forced to (by his wife, no less). Heck, even his children disrespected him. In the end, he found courage to face his personal demons risking something which was very important to him - his family, in the process, which was shown as a positive development in the movie.
There is another, minor plot line about his new boss Ralph Hopkins, the network owner, and his family problems, which perfectly illustrates that (some) women are never happy, as my husband informed me:) They complain when the husband brings too little money, but they are also unhappy when he spends his whole time at work. (BTW, Susan, the daughter, was a spoiled brat who deserved to be disinherited).
The movie is true to life in depicting two basic types of men: "the 9 to 5" guys who lack ambition and go back to their family, and those who like Hopkins are driven by their ambition to reach the top of the ladder, whether in business or in politics. In the times past, wives were taught to accept it as the benefits of being married to such a man outweighed the drawbacks. However, as the film shows, mid-20th century wives were rebelling against this arrangement, which probably contributed to the success of the second wave feminism.
It's interesting that Helen Andelin addresses the very same problem in "Fascinating Womanhood" (Bantam Books, 1992, p.96): "It is not always possible or even right for a man to make his wife number one in his life...In addition to making the living, men have always shouldered the responsibility of making the world a better place.They have largely been the builders of society, have solved world problems, and developed new ideas for the benefit of all...If you examine the life of these noble public servants, you usually find a wife...content to take a second place. President and Mrs Dwight D. Eisenhower are a good example of this. Mrs Eisenhower recalls that...her husband drew her aside one evening and said, `...My country comes first, and you second`...and that is the way they lived."
I think the idea behind the story was that you can´t live with lies with which I agree wholeheartedly and also that family is more important than all other things (with which I agree but partly, see above.) Anyway, it was a great movie, and I can recommend it to everyone.
Watch The Man In The Gray Flannel Suit on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEWZpUhDu8g
Monday, September 22, 2014
How To Evaluate A Prospective Husband
Some time ago someone asked me this question, so here comes:
First of all, I'm not a marriage consultant and don't pretend to have all the answers. If you choose to follow my advice, you are doing it at your own risk. I'm not even going to follow the path of some other lady bloggers who spend a considerable amount of time bragging about what great marriages they have and how their husbands are all super alpha males and the like. I will only say that personally I think I did fairly well:)
One of the most perilous ideas of modernity, is, imo, the idea of a "soulmate" or one person specially designed for you, the only one who can make you happy. Some women keep waiting for their soulmates well into their forties and even fifties while their girlfriends get married and become mothers and grandmothers. Others hook up with total losers but can't separate from them being convinced that the said loser is really their soulmate. (Please notice that I'm not talking about divorce here!).
There is no such thing as a soulmate. Since I don't like gossiping, I'll give you an example from classic literature: Sense and Sensibility. Marianne Dashwood is convinced that the handsome cad Willoughby is her soulmate only to marry Colonel Brandon two years later. The author makes fun in the book of her romantic notions that you can only fall in love once in your life and if things don't work out there is no second chance.
While looking for a husband, there is one important thing to keep in mind: you are not just choosing a romantic partner, you are choosing the father of your children. Since many traits are inheritable, if you choose a guy who is stupid, lazy and violent, the chance is big that your children will be the same. That's why the choice of the marriage partner is one of the most important decisions of your life.
You also should have an idea in mind of what your future married life would look like. If you are ever planning on being a housewife/staying home with your children, you should evaluate the provider capacities of every potential suitor . I'm not saying you must become a gold-digger and marry a man for his income alone, however, the most important lesson I was taught in my youth was to avoid men who are not capable or willing to be breadwinners.
Avoid starving artists, eternal students, mama´s boys, and lazy unemployed bums. Avoid men with serious financial problems, anyone involved in criminal activities, alcoholics, junkies and the like. Also avoid any man who is psychologically unstable and/or violent. Don´t imagine yourself a Mother Teresa and try and save these guys from themselves. It´s simply not worth it. Aim for a reliable if somewhat boring accountant.
This said, you must take a long look in the mirror and be realistic about yourself and your standards. If they are too high, the chance is that you will spend your life alone dreaming of your knight on a white horse. There are certain things which handicap women wishing to marry well, for instance, being overweight is certainly not a bonus. Another thing which often ruins your marital prospects, is having children outside wedlock, so please don´t do it. I´m not saying it is impossible for such a woman to marry at all, but her choice of marriage partners will likely be smaller (and of lower quality).
Another thing which is practically taboo nowadays is the idea that you should marry someone equal or slightly higher to you in social status/class. We are all supposed to pretend that class doesn´t exist, but unfortunately it does. Most people think that class chiefly refers to the amount of money the person makes, but it isn´t true. It´s much more than this. It´s education, the social position of your parents, your whole way of life, the books you read, the friends you have, the school you went to etc etc.
The problem is that when two people come from totally different backgrounds, their life together will have all sorts of problems, which are best avoided if you aim for your social equal as a marriage partner. The same is true about cultural, ethnic and religious differences. Again, I´m not saying that it couldn´t work, only that it will bring all sorts of difficulties. Ask yourself if you are ready to deal with them before you get `unequally yoked`.
The above relates more to the material side of things, if you are interested in how to evaluate a man´s character, check this post:
Choosing a Mate
And also this one:
Mrs Andelin On Men Who Won´t Earn The Living
Well, that´s about it, I hope it will be helpful!
First of all, I'm not a marriage consultant and don't pretend to have all the answers. If you choose to follow my advice, you are doing it at your own risk. I'm not even going to follow the path of some other lady bloggers who spend a considerable amount of time bragging about what great marriages they have and how their husbands are all super alpha males and the like. I will only say that personally I think I did fairly well:)
One of the most perilous ideas of modernity, is, imo, the idea of a "soulmate" or one person specially designed for you, the only one who can make you happy. Some women keep waiting for their soulmates well into their forties and even fifties while their girlfriends get married and become mothers and grandmothers. Others hook up with total losers but can't separate from them being convinced that the said loser is really their soulmate. (Please notice that I'm not talking about divorce here!).
There is no such thing as a soulmate. Since I don't like gossiping, I'll give you an example from classic literature: Sense and Sensibility. Marianne Dashwood is convinced that the handsome cad Willoughby is her soulmate only to marry Colonel Brandon two years later. The author makes fun in the book of her romantic notions that you can only fall in love once in your life and if things don't work out there is no second chance.
While looking for a husband, there is one important thing to keep in mind: you are not just choosing a romantic partner, you are choosing the father of your children. Since many traits are inheritable, if you choose a guy who is stupid, lazy and violent, the chance is big that your children will be the same. That's why the choice of the marriage partner is one of the most important decisions of your life.
You also should have an idea in mind of what your future married life would look like. If you are ever planning on being a housewife/staying home with your children, you should evaluate the provider capacities of every potential suitor . I'm not saying you must become a gold-digger and marry a man for his income alone, however, the most important lesson I was taught in my youth was to avoid men who are not capable or willing to be breadwinners.
Avoid starving artists, eternal students, mama´s boys, and lazy unemployed bums. Avoid men with serious financial problems, anyone involved in criminal activities, alcoholics, junkies and the like. Also avoid any man who is psychologically unstable and/or violent. Don´t imagine yourself a Mother Teresa and try and save these guys from themselves. It´s simply not worth it. Aim for a reliable if somewhat boring accountant.
This said, you must take a long look in the mirror and be realistic about yourself and your standards. If they are too high, the chance is that you will spend your life alone dreaming of your knight on a white horse. There are certain things which handicap women wishing to marry well, for instance, being overweight is certainly not a bonus. Another thing which often ruins your marital prospects, is having children outside wedlock, so please don´t do it. I´m not saying it is impossible for such a woman to marry at all, but her choice of marriage partners will likely be smaller (and of lower quality).
Another thing which is practically taboo nowadays is the idea that you should marry someone equal or slightly higher to you in social status/class. We are all supposed to pretend that class doesn´t exist, but unfortunately it does. Most people think that class chiefly refers to the amount of money the person makes, but it isn´t true. It´s much more than this. It´s education, the social position of your parents, your whole way of life, the books you read, the friends you have, the school you went to etc etc.
The problem is that when two people come from totally different backgrounds, their life together will have all sorts of problems, which are best avoided if you aim for your social equal as a marriage partner. The same is true about cultural, ethnic and religious differences. Again, I´m not saying that it couldn´t work, only that it will bring all sorts of difficulties. Ask yourself if you are ready to deal with them before you get `unequally yoked`.
The above relates more to the material side of things, if you are interested in how to evaluate a man´s character, check this post:
Choosing a Mate
And also this one:
Mrs Andelin On Men Who Won´t Earn The Living
Well, that´s about it, I hope it will be helpful!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The Importance Of Beauty In The Home
.jpg)
The result of this philosophy is often that women are either told there that there is nothing to do at home, hence they should seek paid employment outside of it, or (in the case of more traditionally-minded people) that while being at home, they should invest all their time and energy into home businesses.
Thus, both liberals and (some) conservative Christians denigrate homemaking and put money-making activities above everything else, including health and beauty.
In less enlightened times, folks actually used to value a clean and well-organised household much more than they do now. Cleanliness is next to godliness, states an old proverb. However, cleanness alone is not what makes a house a home. A really good homemaker adds what the author of Fascinating Womanhood calls feminine touches to her housekeeping.
.jpg)
.jpg)
You can especially notice it while reading the mid-20th century homemaking books which kept mocking more ornamental style of previous decades and suggested industrial standards for an ordinary household, not only in the way it looked, but in the way it was run. One book I own actually states, that a household should be run as a factory. Then, in the 1970s the majority of married women went to work, and it all went downhill afterwards. Luckily, the tide started to turn and modern women have regained interest in domestic arts.
.jpg)
Most of my readers have probably heard about Cheryl Mendelson and her book Home Comforts which became a homemaking manual for the modern woman. That's what Cheryl writes in the first chapter of her book:
"...what a traditional woman did that made her home warm and alive, was not dusting and laundry. Someone can be hired to do those things...Her real secret was that she identified herself with her home...her affection was in the sofa cushions, clean linens and good meals; her memory in well-stocked...cabinets...; her intelligence in the order and healthfulness of her home; her good humor in its light and air. She lived her life not only through her own body but through her house as an extension of her body; part of her relation to those she loved was embodied in the physical medium of the home she made." (H.C., Scribner, 2005, pp.9-10).
.jpg)
.jpg)
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Guiding The House
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. (1 Timothy 5:14)
We seem to live in the times of general confusion nowadays so that even simple truths are often twisted beyond recognition and common sense has gone out of the window. One example of this will be the incessant discussions of the topic of submission on the net. Now most people who call themselves conservative/traditional Christians will (hopefully) agree that a married woman should submit to/obey her husband, so that's not what is driving the arguments.
The problem appears to be that modern people can't figure out for themselves what submission actually means and need detailed instructions on how to live their daily lives while practising it. For instance, what if your husband tells you to rob the bank? Do you have to submit, yes or no? As much of a strawman as the example above is, there are actually some people who want us to believe, that yes, the wife should obey (cheerfully!).
Others will draw the line by criminal acts, but then the line gets somewhat blurred. How about watching p0rn together? Taking naughty pictures? Wearing a mini skirt when it's against your convictions? And the most contentious of all, what if the husband orders his wife to work (this last command seems to be the only one a lot of wives will obey cheerfully).
I've written on this topic several times before. For instance, check this post which quotes from the wedding liturgy still used in our church. It basically says that the husband is required to support his wife and family with God and honour, and the wife has to be a good housekeeper and obey her husband in all things right and honest. The wife doesn't lose her cognitive abilities when she marries and she isn't required to follow her husband into sin, thus the question of robbing banks is settled, hopefully once and for all.
Of course, in life things are seldom so black-and-white, and it includes a lot of grey areas. That's why it's nearly impossible to write a comprehensive guide to marital obedience on the internet and that's why it's so dangerous to give marital advice to strangers you know nothing about except what they chose to share with you, and this very well may be a lie.
It is perfectly possible to create some general guidelines, though. Take the mini-skirt or naughty movies, for instance. The law doesn't forbid it (unless you live in Iran), and your husband may insist, but you aren't comfortable with it, so what are you going to do? Personally I believe, that in such a situation you should follow your own personal code of honourable behaviour, and your husband will in the end respect you more for this. You also should seek for compromise, in order to preserve marital peace, e.g.if you like floor length skirts and your husband likes mini, wear skirts below the knee but not all the way to the ground.
Here is what Helen Andelin wrote on the topic in Fascinating Womanhood:
"A man wants a woman of fine character, one he can place on a pedestal and hold in high regard...
At times a man will shake a woman's pedestal by suggesting she do something wrong. He may do this deliberately to see if she is as worthy as she appears to be. In other words, he tests her. What a disappointment if she lowers her standards and falls to his level..."(F.W., p. 204, Bantam Books 1992; emphasis mine).
Here is one thing to remember, however. You are not your husband's judge. You have no authority to force him to live according to your standards, however, it doesn't mean that you can't have yours.
Now you will ask me what all this has to do with the title of the post. Simply this, contrary to some new teachings, woman is given a certain authority in the home, otherwise she won't be able to guide it, you know. That's what John Gill, a famous 18th century Reformed Baptist who wrote Bible commentary had to say on the topic: "guide the house; manage domestic affairs, direct, order, or do what is proper to be done for the good of the family" (Read the rest over here).
Some time ago Lady Lydia had the post on the same topic where she stated:
There are a number of religious books and some teachings circulating that claim a woman has no authority at all in her Titus 2 role, but I cannot see that at all. Titus 2 and various other New Testament scriptures teach that the Christian woman must guide and guard the home. These scriptures give the woman the authority they need to make rules and establish policies regarding how that home should be run. If she wants people to remove their shoes at the door or not engage in loud conversation, or if she wants them to pick up after themselves, wash before they come to the table, or help with the housework, she has the authority to enforce that. She does not have to appeal to anyone to give her permission to be a keeper of the home, a guide of the home and a guard of the home. She already got permission from God's Word.
I believe that Lydia's understanding of the role of women is a traditional one. While the Western law was once very unambiguous about the husband being the head of the family, it didn't mean that he had to micromanage his wife. Jesse Powell explains it in his article on coverture:
" The husband was considered to own and control all financial assets and property in the marital unit...
The other side of coverture beyond the husband controlling and owning all the property was the “law of agency” or the “law of necessaries” where the wife was presumed to be acting on the husband’s behalf whenever she bought “necessaries;” clothing, food, lodging, and medicine for domestic use. The law of agency defined “necessaries” according to the husband’s status, occupation, and wealth. As the great English jurist William Blackstone (1723 to 1780) said “The husband is bound to provide his wife with the necessaries by law, as much as himself; and, if she contracts debts for them, he is obliged to pay them.”
In other words, though the husband had the last word on the finances, the wife was given freedom to buy things necessary for the proper functioning of the household, and that according to her husband's social status, so that if he was a wealthy man, he couldn't refuse her certain luxuries.
The traditional view on men and women was that they had separate spheres of action, and to a certain point, authority. That's what Alexis de Tocqueville wrote about American women in his book Democracy in America:
Book Three, Chapter XI
In America, more than anywhere else in the world, care has been taken constantly to trace clearly distinct spheres of action for the two sexes, and both are required to keep in step, but along paths that are never the same.
Book Three, Chapter XII
I have no hesitation in saying that although the American woman never leaves her domestic sphere and is in some respects very dependent within it, nowhere does she enjoy a higher station. And if anyone asks me what I think the chief cause of the extraordinary prosperity and growing power of this nation, I should answer that it is due to the superiority of their women.
(Quoted from here)
However, it's obvious that the wife can't fulfill the command of guiding the house if she is obliged to go out and earn a living. The same chapter of the Bible which tells women to guide the house, also commands men to provide:
Verse 8: And if any man provide not for his own...he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.
Now I've read some "gender" - neutral intrepretations of the verse, which state that the masculine pronoun and the word "man" refer to both men and women. Again, this in NOT a traditional interpretation of this verse. John Gill again:
"But if any provide not for his own,.... Not only for his wife and children, but for his parents, when grown old, and cannot help themselves...
he hath denied the faith; the doctrine of faith, though not in words, yet in works; and is to be considered in the same light, and to be dealt with as an apostate from the Christian religion."
It's obvious that the Scriptures teach men to provide for their families so that the wives can fulfill the commands of being keepers at home and guiding the house. Since nowadays it's far from given that the man you chose to marry agrees with it, it's wise to discuss this issue beforehand. Marriage is not only a sacrament (my religion actually doesn't teach it), but it's a covenant or contract, in modern words.
If the husband and wife made an explicit agreement before they are married that the wife will stay home and the husband will provide, he has to uphold his part of the bargain and if he then insists that his wife works when there is no dire financial necessity, then I believe she is within her rights to refuse. Now throw stones at me:)
We seem to live in the times of general confusion nowadays so that even simple truths are often twisted beyond recognition and common sense has gone out of the window. One example of this will be the incessant discussions of the topic of submission on the net. Now most people who call themselves conservative/traditional Christians will (hopefully) agree that a married woman should submit to/obey her husband, so that's not what is driving the arguments.
The problem appears to be that modern people can't figure out for themselves what submission actually means and need detailed instructions on how to live their daily lives while practising it. For instance, what if your husband tells you to rob the bank? Do you have to submit, yes or no? As much of a strawman as the example above is, there are actually some people who want us to believe, that yes, the wife should obey (cheerfully!).
Others will draw the line by criminal acts, but then the line gets somewhat blurred. How about watching p0rn together? Taking naughty pictures? Wearing a mini skirt when it's against your convictions? And the most contentious of all, what if the husband orders his wife to work (this last command seems to be the only one a lot of wives will obey cheerfully).
I've written on this topic several times before. For instance, check this post which quotes from the wedding liturgy still used in our church. It basically says that the husband is required to support his wife and family with God and honour, and the wife has to be a good housekeeper and obey her husband in all things right and honest. The wife doesn't lose her cognitive abilities when she marries and she isn't required to follow her husband into sin, thus the question of robbing banks is settled, hopefully once and for all.
Of course, in life things are seldom so black-and-white, and it includes a lot of grey areas. That's why it's nearly impossible to write a comprehensive guide to marital obedience on the internet and that's why it's so dangerous to give marital advice to strangers you know nothing about except what they chose to share with you, and this very well may be a lie.
It is perfectly possible to create some general guidelines, though. Take the mini-skirt or naughty movies, for instance. The law doesn't forbid it (unless you live in Iran), and your husband may insist, but you aren't comfortable with it, so what are you going to do? Personally I believe, that in such a situation you should follow your own personal code of honourable behaviour, and your husband will in the end respect you more for this. You also should seek for compromise, in order to preserve marital peace, e.g.if you like floor length skirts and your husband likes mini, wear skirts below the knee but not all the way to the ground.
Here is what Helen Andelin wrote on the topic in Fascinating Womanhood:
"A man wants a woman of fine character, one he can place on a pedestal and hold in high regard...
At times a man will shake a woman's pedestal by suggesting she do something wrong. He may do this deliberately to see if she is as worthy as she appears to be. In other words, he tests her. What a disappointment if she lowers her standards and falls to his level..."(F.W., p. 204, Bantam Books 1992; emphasis mine).
Here is one thing to remember, however. You are not your husband's judge. You have no authority to force him to live according to your standards, however, it doesn't mean that you can't have yours.
Now you will ask me what all this has to do with the title of the post. Simply this, contrary to some new teachings, woman is given a certain authority in the home, otherwise she won't be able to guide it, you know. That's what John Gill, a famous 18th century Reformed Baptist who wrote Bible commentary had to say on the topic: "guide the house; manage domestic affairs, direct, order, or do what is proper to be done for the good of the family" (Read the rest over here).
Some time ago Lady Lydia had the post on the same topic where she stated:
There are a number of religious books and some teachings circulating that claim a woman has no authority at all in her Titus 2 role, but I cannot see that at all. Titus 2 and various other New Testament scriptures teach that the Christian woman must guide and guard the home. These scriptures give the woman the authority they need to make rules and establish policies regarding how that home should be run. If she wants people to remove their shoes at the door or not engage in loud conversation, or if she wants them to pick up after themselves, wash before they come to the table, or help with the housework, she has the authority to enforce that. She does not have to appeal to anyone to give her permission to be a keeper of the home, a guide of the home and a guard of the home. She already got permission from God's Word.
I believe that Lydia's understanding of the role of women is a traditional one. While the Western law was once very unambiguous about the husband being the head of the family, it didn't mean that he had to micromanage his wife. Jesse Powell explains it in his article on coverture:
" The husband was considered to own and control all financial assets and property in the marital unit...
The other side of coverture beyond the husband controlling and owning all the property was the “law of agency” or the “law of necessaries” where the wife was presumed to be acting on the husband’s behalf whenever she bought “necessaries;” clothing, food, lodging, and medicine for domestic use. The law of agency defined “necessaries” according to the husband’s status, occupation, and wealth. As the great English jurist William Blackstone (1723 to 1780) said “The husband is bound to provide his wife with the necessaries by law, as much as himself; and, if she contracts debts for them, he is obliged to pay them.”
In other words, though the husband had the last word on the finances, the wife was given freedom to buy things necessary for the proper functioning of the household, and that according to her husband's social status, so that if he was a wealthy man, he couldn't refuse her certain luxuries.
The traditional view on men and women was that they had separate spheres of action, and to a certain point, authority. That's what Alexis de Tocqueville wrote about American women in his book Democracy in America:
Book Three, Chapter XI
In America, more than anywhere else in the world, care has been taken constantly to trace clearly distinct spheres of action for the two sexes, and both are required to keep in step, but along paths that are never the same.
Book Three, Chapter XII
I have no hesitation in saying that although the American woman never leaves her domestic sphere and is in some respects very dependent within it, nowhere does she enjoy a higher station. And if anyone asks me what I think the chief cause of the extraordinary prosperity and growing power of this nation, I should answer that it is due to the superiority of their women.
(Quoted from here)
However, it's obvious that the wife can't fulfill the command of guiding the house if she is obliged to go out and earn a living. The same chapter of the Bible which tells women to guide the house, also commands men to provide:
Verse 8: And if any man provide not for his own...he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.
Now I've read some "gender" - neutral intrepretations of the verse, which state that the masculine pronoun and the word "man" refer to both men and women. Again, this in NOT a traditional interpretation of this verse. John Gill again:
"But if any provide not for his own,.... Not only for his wife and children, but for his parents, when grown old, and cannot help themselves...
he hath denied the faith; the doctrine of faith, though not in words, yet in works; and is to be considered in the same light, and to be dealt with as an apostate from the Christian religion."
It's obvious that the Scriptures teach men to provide for their families so that the wives can fulfill the commands of being keepers at home and guiding the house. Since nowadays it's far from given that the man you chose to marry agrees with it, it's wise to discuss this issue beforehand. Marriage is not only a sacrament (my religion actually doesn't teach it), but it's a covenant or contract, in modern words.
If the husband and wife made an explicit agreement before they are married that the wife will stay home and the husband will provide, he has to uphold his part of the bargain and if he then insists that his wife works when there is no dire financial necessity, then I believe she is within her rights to refuse. Now throw stones at me:)
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Feminine Appearance
Mrs Andelin in her book "Fascinating Womanhood" devotes a chapter to the feminine appearance. According to her, a really feminine woman will give "...careful attention to her appearance." (F.W., Bantam Books 1992, p. 248.). She will try to look pretty at all times, and won't neglect her figure, hair, face or clothes. However, it's wrong to focus entirely on one's looks and spend hours in front of the mirror, forgetting about domestic duties.
An ideal woman will spend her day running the household, but she will do it while looking her best. Mrs Andelin points to the famous Proverbs 31 lady who despite all the things which she does at home, finds time to make beautiful clothes for herself: "She makes herself coverings of tapestry, her clothing is is silk and purple."
Unfortunately, nowadays women aren't taught any more how to look and behave in a feminine manner, as the society ideal for women is to copy men. Things started changing recently as we see the revival of interest in femininity and traditional female occupations, and dresses and skirts made a comeback. Helen Andelin gives tips on how to acquire the feminine appearance.
The key to a feminine appearance is accentuating the differences between yourself and men. "Wear only those materials and styles which are least suggestive of men's and which make the greates contrast to their apparel." (F.W., pp.248-249).
Mrs Andelin suggests following several rules:
First, you are to avoid fabrics typically used by men, such as heavy denim. Instead, you can wear soft fabrics, woolens, silk, crispy cottons, lace etc.
Second, chosing the right colours is important. Drab colours such as khaki are unfeminine, instead switch to pastels, clear colours and the like. Black is OK, though.
Third, avoid loud prints and any fabric design which lacks good taste (I once saw a lady draped in black fabric with white skulls and bones; unless you are going to a pirate-themed party you can better avoid it!:)
Fourth, the style is also important. Masculine styles are: pants, mannish jackets and coats and the like. Extreme feminine styles are full skirts, ruffles, puffed sleeves etc. Even a plain dress/skirt is more feminine than a pair of pants.
Fifth, Helen discusses wearing pants. Pants aren't the most feminine of garments, but women seem to be quite attached to them nowadays so Mrs Andelin suggests at least wearing a more feminine model and combining it with a feminine top.
Sixth, don't forget about trims, i.e. lace, ribbons, embroidery and things like that.
Seventh, the same goes for accessories. Anything masculine such as briefcases should be avoided, instead wear feminine scarfs and jewelry.
Eighth, don't forget about grooming and make-up. It's important to look clean, have clean hair and laundered clothes. In Helen's times it wasn't a problem, but we have to deal with it, so I'll add: please avoid covering yourself with tattoos. They are hideous and men will perceive you as easy. Don't believe me? Read what men actually think, instead of what MSM told you they do: The slut sell.
Last but not least, let's not forget about modesty. I'd like to quote Mrs Andelin in full: "...decent men don't respect women who expose too much of their bodies in public. Not only should the body be modestly covered, but the underwear. Men dislike visible slips, bra straps or exposed underwear. Higher types of civilisation have traditionally been modest. It seems to go with intelligence and refinement." (emphasis mine).
Looking feminine increases a woman's self-esteem and brings a favourable response in a man. Nice clothes don't have to be expensive, either. For instance, I bought this dress in a second-hand store. It cost me all of 10 euro:
.jpg)
This skirt I made myself using my own pattern. Fabric was bought at the market. Total cost - 5 euro:
.jpg)
It's possible to dress femininely and do your housework and take care of husband and children. Dresses are back in fashion! Just take a look at the Butterick pattern page for the ideas.
And, as Mrs Andelin points out, your husband will surely appreciate it!
An ideal woman will spend her day running the household, but she will do it while looking her best. Mrs Andelin points to the famous Proverbs 31 lady who despite all the things which she does at home, finds time to make beautiful clothes for herself: "She makes herself coverings of tapestry, her clothing is is silk and purple."
Unfortunately, nowadays women aren't taught any more how to look and behave in a feminine manner, as the society ideal for women is to copy men. Things started changing recently as we see the revival of interest in femininity and traditional female occupations, and dresses and skirts made a comeback. Helen Andelin gives tips on how to acquire the feminine appearance.
The key to a feminine appearance is accentuating the differences between yourself and men. "Wear only those materials and styles which are least suggestive of men's and which make the greates contrast to their apparel." (F.W., pp.248-249).
Mrs Andelin suggests following several rules:
First, you are to avoid fabrics typically used by men, such as heavy denim. Instead, you can wear soft fabrics, woolens, silk, crispy cottons, lace etc.
Second, chosing the right colours is important. Drab colours such as khaki are unfeminine, instead switch to pastels, clear colours and the like. Black is OK, though.
Third, avoid loud prints and any fabric design which lacks good taste (I once saw a lady draped in black fabric with white skulls and bones; unless you are going to a pirate-themed party you can better avoid it!:)
Fourth, the style is also important. Masculine styles are: pants, mannish jackets and coats and the like. Extreme feminine styles are full skirts, ruffles, puffed sleeves etc. Even a plain dress/skirt is more feminine than a pair of pants.
Fifth, Helen discusses wearing pants. Pants aren't the most feminine of garments, but women seem to be quite attached to them nowadays so Mrs Andelin suggests at least wearing a more feminine model and combining it with a feminine top.
Sixth, don't forget about trims, i.e. lace, ribbons, embroidery and things like that.
Seventh, the same goes for accessories. Anything masculine such as briefcases should be avoided, instead wear feminine scarfs and jewelry.
Eighth, don't forget about grooming and make-up. It's important to look clean, have clean hair and laundered clothes. In Helen's times it wasn't a problem, but we have to deal with it, so I'll add: please avoid covering yourself with tattoos. They are hideous and men will perceive you as easy. Don't believe me? Read what men actually think, instead of what MSM told you they do: The slut sell.
Last but not least, let's not forget about modesty. I'd like to quote Mrs Andelin in full: "...decent men don't respect women who expose too much of their bodies in public. Not only should the body be modestly covered, but the underwear. Men dislike visible slips, bra straps or exposed underwear. Higher types of civilisation have traditionally been modest. It seems to go with intelligence and refinement." (emphasis mine).
Looking feminine increases a woman's self-esteem and brings a favourable response in a man. Nice clothes don't have to be expensive, either. For instance, I bought this dress in a second-hand store. It cost me all of 10 euro:
And, as Mrs Andelin points out, your husband will surely appreciate it!
Saturday, May 17, 2014
How To Dress Nicely For Your Husband
So I'm told there is a new Christian movie out there, which already created controversy.
I haven't watched it, neither am I planning to, as I generally dislike films presenting women as know-it-alls and men as doofuses, however I watched the trailer (can be viewed here). One thing I noticed though is that the lady in the film is dressed down while at home but puts on her best clothes for "a girl's night out" with her friends which makes the husband compliment her on her appearance.
Compare this modern attitude with the 1960s, when wives used to put on their best dresses for a dinner at home with their husbands (scroll to approximately 10.35 and watch till 12.35). I'm not a big fan of Bewitched due to the liberal attitudes, but this segment is funny on its own, as it shows a feminist mother upset that her daughter lowers herself by doing housework and trying to please her husband.
This educational video from the 1950s teaches girls to change for dinner and suggests having a date with your family. The commenters naturally mock the idea that the women of the family would want to look nice for their men. Imagine a wife doing something so simple for her husband as changing her work clothes for something fancier! I mean it's the top of patriarchal oppression, comparable to Taliban and probably even worse.
These comments betray a rather nasty attitude on the part of too many modern women who can't be bothered to do anything for their husbands, it seems. No wonder men start MGTOW groups and refuse to marry. I realise that with a couple of small children it's not always possible to look your best and a tight budget is often an obstacle to wearing nice clothes every day, however, it's really the attitude which counts most.
If you try to please your husband in little things, he'll reciprocate! Here is what Mrs Andelin writes about greeting your husband when he comes home from work:
"Make it a pleasant time for him. Have all of the housework out of the way...Be attractively groomed and greet him with a smile. Don't let the children rush to him with their problems...Your thoughtful consideration for his welfare, will give him the impression that he is number one in your life." (Fascinating Womanhood, Bantam Books, 1992, pp. 95,96.).
Instead of trying to look your best for your girlfriends, why not trying to look your best for your husband?
UPDATE (Off topic): this has nothing to do with the subject above, but I didn't want to post it separately. I'm afraid someone's comment accidentally ended in SPAM and when I tried to publish it, disappeared (by commenter Julie). If you notice your comments disappearing, please contact me. Moderation is currently off, except for the posts older than 14 days, so all comments ought to be published.
I haven't watched it, neither am I planning to, as I generally dislike films presenting women as know-it-alls and men as doofuses, however I watched the trailer (can be viewed here). One thing I noticed though is that the lady in the film is dressed down while at home but puts on her best clothes for "a girl's night out" with her friends which makes the husband compliment her on her appearance.
Compare this modern attitude with the 1960s, when wives used to put on their best dresses for a dinner at home with their husbands (scroll to approximately 10.35 and watch till 12.35). I'm not a big fan of Bewitched due to the liberal attitudes, but this segment is funny on its own, as it shows a feminist mother upset that her daughter lowers herself by doing housework and trying to please her husband.
This educational video from the 1950s teaches girls to change for dinner and suggests having a date with your family. The commenters naturally mock the idea that the women of the family would want to look nice for their men. Imagine a wife doing something so simple for her husband as changing her work clothes for something fancier! I mean it's the top of patriarchal oppression, comparable to Taliban and probably even worse.
These comments betray a rather nasty attitude on the part of too many modern women who can't be bothered to do anything for their husbands, it seems. No wonder men start MGTOW groups and refuse to marry. I realise that with a couple of small children it's not always possible to look your best and a tight budget is often an obstacle to wearing nice clothes every day, however, it's really the attitude which counts most.
If you try to please your husband in little things, he'll reciprocate! Here is what Mrs Andelin writes about greeting your husband when he comes home from work:
"Make it a pleasant time for him. Have all of the housework out of the way...Be attractively groomed and greet him with a smile. Don't let the children rush to him with their problems...Your thoughtful consideration for his welfare, will give him the impression that he is number one in your life." (Fascinating Womanhood, Bantam Books, 1992, pp. 95,96.).
Instead of trying to look your best for your girlfriends, why not trying to look your best for your husband?
UPDATE (Off topic): this has nothing to do with the subject above, but I didn't want to post it separately. I'm afraid someone's comment accidentally ended in SPAM and when I tried to publish it, disappeared (by commenter Julie). If you notice your comments disappearing, please contact me. Moderation is currently off, except for the posts older than 14 days, so all comments ought to be published.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Mrs Andelin On Men Who Won't Earn The Living
In her book "Fascinating Womanhood" Helen Andelin points out that there are two thing which the wife has a right to expect from her husband: fidelity and financial support. In the case of the husband who strays from the right path Mrs Andelin first suggests that the wife examines her own behaviour and corrects her own mistakes by applying Fascinating Womanhood teachings but if it doesn't help, the wife has to place him before the choice as it is "...morally wrong for a woman to continue to live with a man who is immoral" (p. 53, F.W., Bantam Books 1992).
She also encourages the wife to try and win her husband from another woman if it is at all possible: "By winning him back, you save not only a marriage but a soul!" (idem.)
Unfaithfulness is a serious sin which can and often does destroy marriages, and Mrs Andelin's advice goes against everything what modern women are taught, and yet sometimes it's better to forgive and forget, especially if children are involved. I can understand though that some women probably would be unable to do it, depending on the circumstances and yet in the times past wives were taught to fight for their marriages and it often worked.
Another thing which the wife has a right to expect from her husband is financial support. In fact, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts on the topic in some Islamic countries like Iran, the non-support on the part of the husband is grounds for divorce.
Financial support doesn't necessarily mean a luxury lifestyle, but an income sufficient "to cover the necessities and a dwelling place." (idem). Mrs Andelin stresses that she isn't talking about a disabled husband or one who can't find work as in this situation the wife has to "cheerfully adapt to circumstances until solutions can be worked out." (idem).
However, if the husband is an able-bodied man who simply refuses to work, the wife is justified in taking action. She will probably have to find a job or to turn for charity, especially in the case when children are involved. Mrs Andelin then states that in that case the wife should ask the husband to leave and not to come back until he provides an income or to move out herself.
The reason for this action is that if she keeps on working and allows the husband to stay and profit from her income he will have no incentive to take up his responsibilities.
Of course, it's better to never find yourself in such a situation in the first place, that's why it's so important to make a wise choice while searching for a husband. Mrs Andelin discusses this topic at length in "The Fascinating Girl" where she advises women to avoid men with addictions such as drinking or gambling (I don't agree with her on smoking though, it causes damage to one's health but a man who smokes can still function normally in society which hardly can be said about an alcoholic or a drug addict).
It's also important to avoid men of loose morals and those who are promiscuous, but also those who are lazy and undependable. A woman should not enter marriage with the hopes or reforming a man and taming his dark side, because as Helen Andelin points out, if it happens, it's nothing short of a miracle. Further to avoid are men who have a nasty temper, those who are arrogant and aloof and have an oversized ego. This last is not as bad as loose morals, but it's still a warning sign.
To sum it up, the choice of a mate is probably the most important decision in a woman's life and she should exercise discernment if she wishes to have a good marriage.
She also encourages the wife to try and win her husband from another woman if it is at all possible: "By winning him back, you save not only a marriage but a soul!" (idem.)
Unfaithfulness is a serious sin which can and often does destroy marriages, and Mrs Andelin's advice goes against everything what modern women are taught, and yet sometimes it's better to forgive and forget, especially if children are involved. I can understand though that some women probably would be unable to do it, depending on the circumstances and yet in the times past wives were taught to fight for their marriages and it often worked.
Another thing which the wife has a right to expect from her husband is financial support. In fact, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts on the topic in some Islamic countries like Iran, the non-support on the part of the husband is grounds for divorce.
Financial support doesn't necessarily mean a luxury lifestyle, but an income sufficient "to cover the necessities and a dwelling place." (idem). Mrs Andelin stresses that she isn't talking about a disabled husband or one who can't find work as in this situation the wife has to "cheerfully adapt to circumstances until solutions can be worked out." (idem).
However, if the husband is an able-bodied man who simply refuses to work, the wife is justified in taking action. She will probably have to find a job or to turn for charity, especially in the case when children are involved. Mrs Andelin then states that in that case the wife should ask the husband to leave and not to come back until he provides an income or to move out herself.
The reason for this action is that if she keeps on working and allows the husband to stay and profit from her income he will have no incentive to take up his responsibilities.
Of course, it's better to never find yourself in such a situation in the first place, that's why it's so important to make a wise choice while searching for a husband. Mrs Andelin discusses this topic at length in "The Fascinating Girl" where she advises women to avoid men with addictions such as drinking or gambling (I don't agree with her on smoking though, it causes damage to one's health but a man who smokes can still function normally in society which hardly can be said about an alcoholic or a drug addict).
It's also important to avoid men of loose morals and those who are promiscuous, but also those who are lazy and undependable. A woman should not enter marriage with the hopes or reforming a man and taming his dark side, because as Helen Andelin points out, if it happens, it's nothing short of a miracle. Further to avoid are men who have a nasty temper, those who are arrogant and aloof and have an oversized ego. This last is not as bad as loose morals, but it's still a warning sign.
To sum it up, the choice of a mate is probably the most important decision in a woman's life and she should exercise discernment if she wishes to have a good marriage.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Choosing A Mate
In her book The Fascinating Girl Helen Andelin devotes a whole chapter to the topic of choosing a mate. She starts with suggesting to pray for God's help in choosing a husband, but also points out that the woman should do her part, too.
Mrs Andelin reminds her readers about the importance of making the good choice as your future husband will be your companion and the father of your children, and states that a young woman should seek a man of a worthy character, but also that she should strive to become a woman of worth herself.
There are things which aren't really important to marital happiness, such as the colour of a man's eyes or his height, or his popularity with women. More important are such virtues as honesty, integrity and high moral standards. An ideal man is the one who has a sense of right and wrong and moral courage to follow his convictions. He respects the higher authority, keeps his commitments, is diligent and unselfish, free from arrogance and has consideration for others.
Mrs Andelin also suggests to look for intellectual skills and abilities, such as a good basic education but also wisdom and good judgement. The next on the checklist are his masculine traits:
Does he look and act like a man? Does he face life with manly courage? Would he make a good father, a good leader of his family? Is he aggressive and decisive...?Is he planning a career which would provide for his family adequately? Is he...chivalrous? (p. 186)
When evaluating the prospective husband, Mrs Andelin advises to discuss different topics with him, so that you will discover his attitudes about such important things as family life and his future plans, his ideas about religion, raising children and money. Is he materialistic and worldly? Does he have an unwholesome drive for status and money? Is he selfish or does his life have a higher purpose?
I'd like to add to this that if you want to be a housewife, you should make it clear beforehand that you are not planning to work after your marriage. If his idea of a family is a dual income household, you should probably find someone else. The same goes for men who explicitly state that they don't want to have children. Men generally mean what they say, and if you think you are going to make him change his mind you might be in for a rude awakening.
The next post on this topic will be about which men to avoid. .
Mrs Andelin reminds her readers about the importance of making the good choice as your future husband will be your companion and the father of your children, and states that a young woman should seek a man of a worthy character, but also that she should strive to become a woman of worth herself.
There are things which aren't really important to marital happiness, such as the colour of a man's eyes or his height, or his popularity with women. More important are such virtues as honesty, integrity and high moral standards. An ideal man is the one who has a sense of right and wrong and moral courage to follow his convictions. He respects the higher authority, keeps his commitments, is diligent and unselfish, free from arrogance and has consideration for others.
Mrs Andelin also suggests to look for intellectual skills and abilities, such as a good basic education but also wisdom and good judgement. The next on the checklist are his masculine traits:
Does he look and act like a man? Does he face life with manly courage? Would he make a good father, a good leader of his family? Is he aggressive and decisive...?Is he planning a career which would provide for his family adequately? Is he...chivalrous? (p. 186)
When evaluating the prospective husband, Mrs Andelin advises to discuss different topics with him, so that you will discover his attitudes about such important things as family life and his future plans, his ideas about religion, raising children and money. Is he materialistic and worldly? Does he have an unwholesome drive for status and money? Is he selfish or does his life have a higher purpose?
I'd like to add to this that if you want to be a housewife, you should make it clear beforehand that you are not planning to work after your marriage. If his idea of a family is a dual income household, you should probably find someone else. The same goes for men who explicitly state that they don't want to have children. Men generally mean what they say, and if you think you are going to make him change his mind you might be in for a rude awakening.
The next post on this topic will be about which men to avoid. .
Friday, February 21, 2014
The Fascinating Girl
Probably not everybody knows that Helen Andelin, the author of "Fascinating Womanhood" wrote another book for unmarried women called "The Fascinating Girl" where she gives advice on how to find a good husband.
In the Introduction she writes about the secrets of winning men, and points out that women should try to attract men of good character and warns about dangers of premarital sex. Mrs Andelin warns young women that a man's desire for you as a sex partner is no indication he desires you for a marriage partner, and what is more important, premarital sex is a grave sin before God.
She further points out that in our modern society a woman is on her own while searching for a marriage partner, with little help from parents or acquaintances, and she has but a short time to do it, thus the necessity of her book.
"The Fascinating Girl" is divided into three parts, titled The Angelic Qualities, The Human Qualities and Strategy With Men. The first two parts are basically "Fascinating Womanhood" adapted for single women, while Strategy discusses such interesting topics as Choosing a Mate and Where to Meet Men.
I'm planning to write about this subject in more detail when I have time so stay tuned!
In the Introduction she writes about the secrets of winning men, and points out that women should try to attract men of good character and warns about dangers of premarital sex. Mrs Andelin warns young women that a man's desire for you as a sex partner is no indication he desires you for a marriage partner, and what is more important, premarital sex is a grave sin before God.
She further points out that in our modern society a woman is on her own while searching for a marriage partner, with little help from parents or acquaintances, and she has but a short time to do it, thus the necessity of her book.
"The Fascinating Girl" is divided into three parts, titled The Angelic Qualities, The Human Qualities and Strategy With Men. The first two parts are basically "Fascinating Womanhood" adapted for single women, while Strategy discusses such interesting topics as Choosing a Mate and Where to Meet Men.
I'm planning to write about this subject in more detail when I have time so stay tuned!
Monday, August 26, 2013
"Is Good Character Beyond Your Reach?"
This is the question Mrs Andelin asks in Chapter 16 of "Fascinating Womanhood" after she enumerates the basic qualities which constitite a worthy character. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by our duties. It seems like you are doing everything right and yet nobody seems to care and estimate it, not even your immediate family. The work of wife and mother is of such nature that it's often only noticed when she hasn't done it for today.
You may try hard to develop such qualities as unselfishness and honesty, yet you see all around you that people cheat, commit fraud, care only about themselves and seem to be rather successful, while you are taken for granted by everybody, including your own children.
It's difficult sometimes not to get discouraged, and instead of asking yourself whether you can acquire fine character, you think along the lines of: is it even necessary nowadays?
Helen Andelin suggests in her book that good character is essential if you want to win your husband's love, but I think it goes much further than this, since as an old saying puts it, Virtue is its own reward. Simply put, we should do what is right, simply because it is right. To paraphrase the Bible, the one who knows what is good and doesn't do it, to him it is sin.
Doing what is wrong, or sinning in Christian terminology can literally destroy you. Mrs Andelin mentions it when she writes about the consequences of sexual sin while discussing the virtue of chastity: "We live under spiritual laws which emanate from God. When we commit an immoral act, we come into conflict with spiritual laws, resulting in a feeling of guilt and emotional distress. Again I quote Dr. Max Levine...'There cannot be emotional health in the absense of high moral standards.' "(p.221, F.W., Bantam Books 1992.)
I'd like to draw your attention to this article which suggests that immoral behaviour, such as habitual dishonesty, can and will negatively influence your brain and create a patology in the way it works. The same topic was discussed at length at the Orthosphere, however our main motivation in developing good character should be not self-preservation but pleasing God.
Helen Andelin points out that we should not be discouraged by the thought that fine character is unattainable, but rather make "a diligent effort" and pray for the Divine guidance. As she puts it: "The goal is too high and the forces of evil too strong to gain success without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. You can become a good pianist, tennis player, or public speaker by persistence alone but the perfection of character is not within the reach without the promptings of the Holy Spirit." (p.224, idem).
Mrs Andelin reminds us that our character is not fixed or unchangeable, and in times of trial or crisis we may discover that we possess the qualities which we never suspected we had.
I'd like to end this post with the list of the traits which constitute good character, according to "Fascinating Womanhood":
1. Self-control
2. Unselfishness
3. Charity
4. Humility
5. Responsibility
6. Diligence
7. Patience
8. Moral Courage
9. Honesty
10. Chastity
You may try hard to develop such qualities as unselfishness and honesty, yet you see all around you that people cheat, commit fraud, care only about themselves and seem to be rather successful, while you are taken for granted by everybody, including your own children.
It's difficult sometimes not to get discouraged, and instead of asking yourself whether you can acquire fine character, you think along the lines of: is it even necessary nowadays?
Helen Andelin suggests in her book that good character is essential if you want to win your husband's love, but I think it goes much further than this, since as an old saying puts it, Virtue is its own reward. Simply put, we should do what is right, simply because it is right. To paraphrase the Bible, the one who knows what is good and doesn't do it, to him it is sin.
Doing what is wrong, or sinning in Christian terminology can literally destroy you. Mrs Andelin mentions it when she writes about the consequences of sexual sin while discussing the virtue of chastity: "We live under spiritual laws which emanate from God. When we commit an immoral act, we come into conflict with spiritual laws, resulting in a feeling of guilt and emotional distress. Again I quote Dr. Max Levine...'There cannot be emotional health in the absense of high moral standards.' "(p.221, F.W., Bantam Books 1992.)
I'd like to draw your attention to this article which suggests that immoral behaviour, such as habitual dishonesty, can and will negatively influence your brain and create a patology in the way it works. The same topic was discussed at length at the Orthosphere, however our main motivation in developing good character should be not self-preservation but pleasing God.
Helen Andelin points out that we should not be discouraged by the thought that fine character is unattainable, but rather make "a diligent effort" and pray for the Divine guidance. As she puts it: "The goal is too high and the forces of evil too strong to gain success without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. You can become a good pianist, tennis player, or public speaker by persistence alone but the perfection of character is not within the reach without the promptings of the Holy Spirit." (p.224, idem).
Mrs Andelin reminds us that our character is not fixed or unchangeable, and in times of trial or crisis we may discover that we possess the qualities which we never suspected we had.
I'd like to end this post with the list of the traits which constitute good character, according to "Fascinating Womanhood":
1. Self-control
2. Unselfishness
3. Charity
4. Humility
5. Responsibility
6. Diligence
7. Patience
8. Moral Courage
9. Honesty
10. Chastity
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Chastity And Modesty
Some time ago I wrote several posts covering lessons from Helen Andelin's famous book Fascinating Womanhood. They were quite a success judging by the amount of traffic they received and I was planning to write more but my attention became diverted by other things. So many subjects to blog about, so little time:)
Anyway, today I decided to return to the topic of good character and what qualities constitute it, as described at length in the Chapter 16 of the book The Worthy Character. You can find my previous posts about it if you click on the label Fascinating Womanhood on the right side of the blog.
So far I have written about self-control, moral courage and diligence. Today I'd like to talk about chastity. Chastity nowadays is a very politically incorrect subject, and one needs a lot of moral courage to discuss it in public:) Isn't it strange that certain sins have become so politicised that in some countries they are protected with a special set of laws? According to Mrs Andelin, chastity "...means to be sexually pure, to not have sexul relationships with anyone but the person to whom you are legally married, and not to have any impure thoughts or actions. " (FW., p. 220, Bantam Books 1992).
The author goes on to enumerate various sins against chastity and proceeds with a list of reasons why sexual immorality is harmful. She mentions such consequencies as broken relationships, emotional illness resulting from the rebellion against the spiritual laws and even downfall of the nations.
Since the majority of my readers are probably Christians and have heard about theTen Commandments, I don't think there is need to go into much detail on this topic, however, there is something which I'd like to point out. Nowadays we have a tendency to talk about things which are better left to the private sphere. When watching "I Love Lucy" I noticed many times that men would not discuss certain things in the presence of the women and vice versa.
In one episode Lucy pretends to be a man but is easily outed by Ricky because she won't listen to a dirty joke. Chastity is more than not commiting adultery or fornication, it's also refraining from watching porn or reading trashy novels with pornographic themes in them, or discussing bedroom preferences of your husband with others.
Chastity is closely connected with modesty as modesty is based on the same idea: not revealing things which should be private to the eyes of strangers. As Mrs Andelin puts it: "Higher types of civilisation have traditionally been modest." (FW., p. 250). Which reminds me: it's summer again!
The weather may be warm, but still it's better to resist the temptation of going out in the equivalent of underwear (actually, Victorian underwear used to cover more than what some people are wearing now), if only from the purely practical point of view. While we need some exposure to the sunlight for the vitamin D production, sun burns can lead to skin cancer, and it's a serious thing.
Summer modesty and summer fashions could be the topic of discussion on their own, so I'll quit here. Next time I'm planning to write about some home magazines, as requested. Stay tuned!
Anyway, today I decided to return to the topic of good character and what qualities constitute it, as described at length in the Chapter 16 of the book The Worthy Character. You can find my previous posts about it if you click on the label Fascinating Womanhood on the right side of the blog.
So far I have written about self-control, moral courage and diligence. Today I'd like to talk about chastity. Chastity nowadays is a very politically incorrect subject, and one needs a lot of moral courage to discuss it in public:) Isn't it strange that certain sins have become so politicised that in some countries they are protected with a special set of laws? According to Mrs Andelin, chastity "...means to be sexually pure, to not have sexul relationships with anyone but the person to whom you are legally married, and not to have any impure thoughts or actions. " (FW., p. 220, Bantam Books 1992).
The author goes on to enumerate various sins against chastity and proceeds with a list of reasons why sexual immorality is harmful. She mentions such consequencies as broken relationships, emotional illness resulting from the rebellion against the spiritual laws and even downfall of the nations.
Since the majority of my readers are probably Christians and have heard about theTen Commandments, I don't think there is need to go into much detail on this topic, however, there is something which I'd like to point out. Nowadays we have a tendency to talk about things which are better left to the private sphere. When watching "I Love Lucy" I noticed many times that men would not discuss certain things in the presence of the women and vice versa.
In one episode Lucy pretends to be a man but is easily outed by Ricky because she won't listen to a dirty joke. Chastity is more than not commiting adultery or fornication, it's also refraining from watching porn or reading trashy novels with pornographic themes in them, or discussing bedroom preferences of your husband with others.
Chastity is closely connected with modesty as modesty is based on the same idea: not revealing things which should be private to the eyes of strangers. As Mrs Andelin puts it: "Higher types of civilisation have traditionally been modest." (FW., p. 250). Which reminds me: it's summer again!
The weather may be warm, but still it's better to resist the temptation of going out in the equivalent of underwear (actually, Victorian underwear used to cover more than what some people are wearing now), if only from the purely practical point of view. While we need some exposure to the sunlight for the vitamin D production, sun burns can lead to skin cancer, and it's a serious thing.
Summer modesty and summer fashions could be the topic of discussion on their own, so I'll quit here. Next time I'm planning to write about some home magazines, as requested. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
How To Find Contentment At Home
I think that the key to contentment at home is to always remember that what you are doing as a wife, mother and homemaker is important. Woman's work is just as important as that of a man. God created us as male and female for a reason, so that we would complete each other. Both man and woman have their own roles to play. Isn't it strange that so-called advocates for women have such unmerited contempt for all things traditionally female? It just doesn't make sense.
I'd like to say that it's OK to be a woman and to have womanly interests. Men and women are different, and to try to erase this difference is to rebel against God and Nature. This whole modern liberal crusade against the laws of biology and common sense is ridiculous, to say the least. I just keep wondering that normal people fell for this nonsense, no doubt under the influence of that magic word, choice.
For too long a time, women were supposed to live according to the traditional standards reserved for men. Woman's life got measured by her achievements in the working world, not in her family. She was lauded for having a good career, not a good marriage, well-bred children and peaceful home life. The traditional female hobbies and interests were (and are) denigrated. I'd say, enough is enough. Why should women be ashamed of themselves? Why should everybody be the same? Long live sexual dimorphism:)
It didn't start now, of course. If you ever watched I Love Lucy, you'll remember that Lucy was jealous of her husband's professional success, and did many stupid things which often put his career in jeopardy, to draw attention to herself. I could never understand the mindset of a woman jealous of her husband's career, but it was probably typical for many women of her generation who wouldn't work themselves but raised their daughters to be feminists.
Those who argue against feminism will often point out that the working world is not so glamorous as one thinks, and staying home is a much better option. They are right, but only to a degree. Many women fail to find satisfaction in the working world, not because of the lack of glamour, but simply because they are women and being such, value different things than men. It's not for nothing that when women entered the professions en masse they started lobbying for changes such as flexible working hours.
Feminists can shout from the rooftops about progress they have achieved in feminising various industries but if the working place becomes too feminised, men will simply leave it and move somewhere else. It's not because they are "afraid of strong independent women", but simply because they have different interests and ideas. It's time we as society admitted it, but it probably won't happen in the near future. Anyway, only the dead fish goes with the current. We can start changing the society now by simply admitting the fact of the difference of the sexes and acting accordingly.
It's OK to be a woman. It's not shameful to wear pretty dresses and like frilly things. It's not unnatural to choose motherhood over career. It's not wrong to have more interest in knitting patterns than in automatic rifles. Don't compare yourself to men. Don't think in terms of: "I could have made a better career than John." Think instead: "How could I make my home prettier than the neighbour's?"
I'd like to end with this quote from "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin: "The feminine woman is naturally oriented to her womanhood. She is proud to be a woman and happy to fill her destiny as a wife and mother, anxious to make a happy home for her loved ones. Her career is a career in the home. Her occupation is to live her daily life. Her glory is the esteem of her husband and the happiness of her children." (p.247, Bantam Books, 1992).
I'd like to say that it's OK to be a woman and to have womanly interests. Men and women are different, and to try to erase this difference is to rebel against God and Nature. This whole modern liberal crusade against the laws of biology and common sense is ridiculous, to say the least. I just keep wondering that normal people fell for this nonsense, no doubt under the influence of that magic word, choice.
For too long a time, women were supposed to live according to the traditional standards reserved for men. Woman's life got measured by her achievements in the working world, not in her family. She was lauded for having a good career, not a good marriage, well-bred children and peaceful home life. The traditional female hobbies and interests were (and are) denigrated. I'd say, enough is enough. Why should women be ashamed of themselves? Why should everybody be the same? Long live sexual dimorphism:)
It didn't start now, of course. If you ever watched I Love Lucy, you'll remember that Lucy was jealous of her husband's professional success, and did many stupid things which often put his career in jeopardy, to draw attention to herself. I could never understand the mindset of a woman jealous of her husband's career, but it was probably typical for many women of her generation who wouldn't work themselves but raised their daughters to be feminists.
Those who argue against feminism will often point out that the working world is not so glamorous as one thinks, and staying home is a much better option. They are right, but only to a degree. Many women fail to find satisfaction in the working world, not because of the lack of glamour, but simply because they are women and being such, value different things than men. It's not for nothing that when women entered the professions en masse they started lobbying for changes such as flexible working hours.
Feminists can shout from the rooftops about progress they have achieved in feminising various industries but if the working place becomes too feminised, men will simply leave it and move somewhere else. It's not because they are "afraid of strong independent women", but simply because they have different interests and ideas. It's time we as society admitted it, but it probably won't happen in the near future. Anyway, only the dead fish goes with the current. We can start changing the society now by simply admitting the fact of the difference of the sexes and acting accordingly.
It's OK to be a woman. It's not shameful to wear pretty dresses and like frilly things. It's not unnatural to choose motherhood over career. It's not wrong to have more interest in knitting patterns than in automatic rifles. Don't compare yourself to men. Don't think in terms of: "I could have made a better career than John." Think instead: "How could I make my home prettier than the neighbour's?"
I'd like to end with this quote from "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin: "The feminine woman is naturally oriented to her womanhood. She is proud to be a woman and happy to fill her destiny as a wife and mother, anxious to make a happy home for her loved ones. Her career is a career in the home. Her occupation is to live her daily life. Her glory is the esteem of her husband and the happiness of her children." (p.247, Bantam Books, 1992).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)