The reason for so many divorces nowadays is often (not always) simply women not wanting to be wives. It basically started with my own generation and I've seen it first hand. Marriages which fell apart before were either caused by the husband being downright abusive/substance abusing to a criminal degree or the husband falling for his secretary; sometimes by female adultery as well.
If a couple had problems otherwise, it was suggested they stay together for the sake of the children as society disapproved of divorce. Divorced women also had a certain reputation. It was practically impossible for a divorced woman to remarry someone decent. For instance, in one case I know the woman had to settle for a fellow divorced man who was much older and not a great breadwinner.
Women were supposed to stick with their men through thick and thin. In one of Miss Silver's novels a woman's boyfriend disappears for several years, then returns the night before her wedding and tells her it will happen again in the future, and since he knows she loves him, she'll just have to accept it. She does and cancels her marriage. (Of course, in reality the guy is some sort of a secret agent, but she only suspects it).
Good women were expected to love sacrificially, unlike harlots and gold-diggers. This all changed somewhere in the 1990s (I think earlier in the USA but Europe has been late with these trends). While I don't like giving examples of real people on this blog, I will say that I see it all around me in the real life.
Some of my (female) acquaintances just decided to opt out when they encountered some real problems. As someone put it, "why should she conform to a man?" Others complain that they work too much but would never dream of even cutting their work hours though the husband makes a decent money as they value their independence. Yet someone else never bothered with even the minimum of housekeeping (there are servants for that) or would cooperate with the husband's spending plans which led to predictable results.
Here I'm talking about my peers, women with university level education, who were capable of earning a decent income which wasn't always the case back then. Hence the push for all women to keep on working while married and going for high-paying college degrees, which leads to even more divorces in younger generations, and among lower classes, men with chronic pain in their backs.
Those who stuck with their husbands through thick and thin and adjusted themselves to their needs, sacrificing their careers for the sake of the family are still married and sometimes doing very well financially while their divorced friends chide them for being oppressed. Well, may be they are, but at least, they are still married and doing fine.
Marriage was absolutely destroyed by feminism and it was done on purpose.
I agree. The biggest issue is that women want to get married, but they don't want to be wives. Your assessment rings quite true to me.
ReplyDeleteMore than that, I'll add, is that the vast majority of women 50 and under haven't the slightest idea of what it even means to be a wife.
Yes, exactly! Well said.
ReplyDelete"Those who stuck with their husbands through thick and thin and adjusted themselves to their needs, sacrificing their careers for the sake of the family are still married and sometimes doing very well financially while their divorced friends chide them for being oppressed."
ReplyDeleteI would like to add, that the husband also learns through all those years how to live with the wife; it isn't all sacrifice on one side. If they both can stick it through, they get to know each other so well, know what pleases the other, and live harmoniously. If they quit too early, they will never know how each other works best and how best to work with each other. All that time invested and mutual experiences has to count for a deeper relationship later. I wonder if people who divorce three or four times ever get to see that point in any of their relationships.
Marriage isn't only about sacrifice, of course, both men and women get something out of it, mutual support, pleasure, children, I agree. Yet, the way the Scriptures describe it, and how it's traditionally been seen, the wife is the helpmeet to her husband, not vice versa.
ReplyDeleteShe is supposed to follow him, and not the other way around. If his career demands moving to another country she accompanies him, if he has to go on a long business trip, she's waiting for him. She will cooperate with his financial vision. That's what I meant by adjusting. Modern women expect it to be otherwise, their husbands exist to serve them. It may work for some men, but not for high achievers with choices. So they either up and leave at some point or the wife gets frustrated that she can't control him and asks for divorce.
Agreed. Biblically she is the follower, the cooperator, even the promoter of his ideas.
ReplyDeleteBut even so, unless the husband is a jerk he has some compassion and tries to make following him a bit easier. In the example of moving, sometimes the husband is the one who prepares the way to his new location, by finding a house and talking positively of the move to the wife and kids so they won't be too discouraged or depressed. Sometimes he lays all the work of those types of "following" on her, but that gives her great freedom to make decisions. It is hard to understand this and get into a good "working relationship" without years of experience, and if you give up too soon will you ever "get" it?
Modern women perhaps expect to marry a namby pamby pushover who does their will, and do not realize that it could be a greater burden on themselves to take the lead in everything. Mothers surely have a great power in being a helpmeet, to help their family cheerfully adjust to the financial circumstances, or moves, or "set the tone" about things that have to be done on his account for instance. Modern women do not understand how greatly that help is needed if there is a family involved. I know I sound quite old fashioned here. Women may not be the power of the last decision, but they are not without other powers, for instance that of influence. But it takes years to build this and learn to work together, so that she can be a submissive helpmeet, and he an able leader for his particular family.
I have seen long marriages where the mutual respect is so deep that the husband is very considerate of the wife in all aspects. She would cheerfully do what he wants, because she knows him so well, and knows that he knows her so well and loves her so much.
But I suppose this all requires a woman to marry a gentleman and not a jerk in the first place.
You describe it all very nicely! Some women, unfortunately, like jerks. Or they choose a man by some other criteria, e.g. his earning power and later discover he is difficult to live with. Modern society says they should just divorce him. Now, some men are incorrigible and even abusive, so divorce may be not totally out of the question.
ReplyDeleteHowever, men also change as they grow older. They can mellow out and become much more appreciative of the positive qualities of the wife. She can also win his respect by being a good wife and that will influence him, too. That's what for better for worse means, sometimes it's better but sometimes it's worse. She has made her bed, she should lie in it, imo.
Marquis de Lafayette, a hero of the American revolution, had a wife that stayed with him while in prison. Of course, that was a different time, but a nice story.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite movies that portrays how a man and woman should be when married is Rob Roy. However, that is too high a standard for most women to follow.
I'm afraid I watched it long ago, wasn't his wife raped by English soldiers or something?
ReplyDeleteYes, the wife was raped.
DeleteThere is a book about him by Walter Scott, he mentions it, too.
ReplyDelete