Friday, October 12, 2018

How To Lead A Perfect Consumerist Lifestyle

A guide for (married) women.

Love of money is the root of all evil
Paul the Apostle

The first thing you will need is a yuge house. The bigger the better. Here's how you do it: go to the bank and ask for the highest mortgage you can get. It mostly will mean that you both have to work, but who cares that the house stays empty for most of the week? You'll still be able to show off to your family and friends. The house must have a garden and since you won't have time to maintain it anyway, paving it with concrete tiles is a solution.

Next thing you need is a new car at regular intervals. Of course, you'll need the best (and biggest) available. Again, you'll probably need to take a loan. Don't worry, taking loans is just as essential (if not more) to consumerist lifestyle. In fact, you should take loans for a new smartphone, furniture, TV, gadgets and vacations.

Speaking of vacations, never ever consider a budget variant, like going camping with your husband and children, even when you are young and healthy. It's beneath you. You should go for nothing less than a 5 star hotel in the high season. You deserve it.

If you have small children, remember: they need toys! Lots and lots of them. The more expensive, the better. Aim to give them more than you best girlfriend/favourite sister does. Life is a competition, the one with the most toys always wins in the end, and your children should learn this wisdom at the earliest age possible.

When the children get older, their toys will generally become more expensive (like all these vidya games and stuff). Hopefully, by this time, your kids will be into designer clothes, just like yourself. It's not OK to make them work for it, though. They should have a happy childhood and that means being served on hand and foot everything on a silver platter. The solution is for YOU to work more hours, it's not only a reasonable decision, but a politically correct one.

In general, when buying clothes for yourself and the children, you should follow the rule of the thumb: why paying less when you can pay more? Don't even consider searching for second hand or visiting cheaper stores. Also, always buy in bulk. Your baby will grow in 5 years and may need those 100 t-shirts you bought on sale yesterday. (Sales are OK, but only if you stockpile).

Last (but not least!) thing I'm going to talk about today, is food. You should aim at eating out as often as possible. When you don't eat out or order, buy expensive stuff like sushi etc which needs minimum cooking time. Don't forget that wine is essential, and again, choose the pricey brands. If you still have any spare money left after doing all of the above, the good way to spend it is going out, preferably with your girlfriends. Try to do it as often as possible, too, in this way you can spend more.

A word of warning: one thing you emphatically SHOULD NOT spend any money on, is hiring someone to clean the house. Don't ever do it yourself, either. First, a messy house is cosy and progressive, second, you have your husband for these types of jobs. His degree of commitment to doing these menial tasks proves his true love and devotion to you. If he resists, call him names and complain to your friends, family and internet community. Shame him for not being a real man (denying s*x generally works well when he's disobedient).

For Christians, remind him that you are the daughter of the Most High King (i.e. a princess) and he is just a lowly representative of the unworthy sex who should be forever grateful you chose him.

A separate word for those ladies who are only planning to marry: you deserve a dream wedding! And it may well cost something, but not to you! Demand, that your guests and family pay.

DISCLAIMER: yes, all of above is satire. I specially placed the link to the bridezilla story to illustrate my point. Unfortunately, such women do exist.


  1. This would be funny if it weren't so very common. And it makes me realize how very little I understand about people...and probably also explains why my social circle is extremely small, to put it delicately :)

  2. If you follow the link, you'll see that the woman in the story started out like a nice girl but got corrupted by reality TV. There is a lesson in all that...