I remember the words of an old song, Mother gave me life, Mother is the most important word in every language. This simple fact is somehow denied in our modern times. I recall reading a magazine about pregnancy and childbirth from a midwife's office where some "child development specialist" claimed that it really doesn't matter for your child who is raising him, you or a nanny. This is obviously a lie, invented to make working moms feel better about themselves.
Here is a simple test. Have you ever being scared witless in your adult life? May be not in real life situation but in a dream? Whom did you call for help? There is a story I read once about American war prisoners in Japanese camps in the 1940s. Japanese were in the habit of torturing them for fun, to break their spirits. These men would call their mothers. Not Dad. Not Granny. Not a baby sitter. Not a nice day care lady. No, these once tough soldiers were screaming for their moms.
That is not to say that a father isn't important. And, of course, it's a blessing to have loving and involved grandparents. I'm saying it as someone partly raised by Grandma. I loved her to pieces and still do, though she has been many years deceased. She was a real proper lady with high moral principles, feminine but hard as nails if the need called. They don't make them like that any more. Still, Granny was Granny and Mother is Mother if you know what I mean.
If you are planning to have children you should also be planning to stay home with them. And not only "while breastfeeding" or "until they go to school" or any such nonsense. Teenagers need their mothers, too. Your baby won't try alcohol behind your back. Your toddler won't do drugs. Your 1st grader won't have orgies at home. We all know who is prone to try all these things if there is no one around. It's not a modern problem, either. I remember when I was in high school there were certain homes where no grown ups were present during the day where certain things happened. Sometimes working mothers even had to quit their jobs to set things right.
It didn't get better since that time, if something it got worse.
Whatever pretty lies the society has been telling you, it still doesn't change the real facts. It's not your mother's responsibility.
Ironically, when our girls get in trouble (we have 5 daughters, no sons), their first instinct is to call their father. Unfailingly, because he is the guy who solves problems and is calm in the face of chaos, LOL.
ReplyDeleteNone of that was meant to detract from your overall point that mothers and their presence are extremely important (particularly when children are in the fragile developmental stages of life). However, I can't help but wonder if there has been a type of shift that has made fathers seem less important than they actually are. It's no coincidence that children raised by single fathers have far better outcomes than children raised by single mothers.
I, too, have read from war-time books that men cry for their mother when they are badly wounded.
ReplyDeleteI remember crying for my mother on my adult life, too, when I was very very badly ill. My mother was a working feminist and I was raised by wonderful nanny, and yet I cried for my mother.
It is heartbreaking, really: we cry for our mothers, no matter how good or bad they were.
Elspeth, you are talking about conscious reaction here. Obviously if a woman is in some kind of trouble she will often turn to a competent man in her life to help her out. Her husband, her father etc.
ReplyDeleteWhat I meant though was a subconscious reaction. When you are badly hurt, when you are terribly scared and lose your self-control for a moment, instinctively not only women but also battle-hardened men cry for their mothers. I think it's a built-in instinct, not only in humans but in other mammals, too. When a cat is really happy it will "knead" your stomach with its paws, the way it did when it was a kitten by its mother to get milk. It's like our first impressions when we are babies to feel safe in our mother's presence stays with us our whole life. I don't think it diminishes the role of father to mention it.
You're right. I agree, and beg pardon for the derailment.
DeleteBlanka, our society prides itself on being science-based and yet denies basic biology. BTW, I remember someone quoted a Spanish text book for primary schools out of Franko's times. It said: "I love my mother. I reverence my father" or something similar. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteElspeth, no problem, I think it's great to have a healthy discussion!
ReplyDeleteCrying for mother is there as well where there is an confused/dissociated/dementian elderly. This happened to my grandfather, a strict and stern man of few words I mentioned earlier. The last months of his life he was asking for his mother, he thought my mother (his daughter-in-law) was his mother and treated her like she was (which my mother found a little bit hard to deal with, having known him for 35+ years as an honorable man - we did not call him you but You, you know the difference? Like sie and Sie in Deutch). So as you said Sanne, it is an subconscious reaction, very much somewhere in the core of us.
ReplyDeleteYou mean Du and Sie? We have the same difference in our language, too.
ReplyDeleteOoops, yes, du and Sie :-)
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