Saturday, December 5, 2015

Career Women, Feminism And Marriage

There are a lot of misconceptions going around about what is feminism and who is a feminist. The most simplistic explanation is that since feminism supposedly benefits women, every woman=feminist. Of course, as I have pointed out in this blog post, it doesn't benefit all women equally, because it's not what it's meant to do. Modern feminism was invented with one objective only, the destruction of the Western traditional family and those who are behind it pretty much succeeded.

However, this is probably too complicated for some people to grasp so that they frame it as sorely women's fault and women's responsibility, and spend considerable amounts of time bashing all women in general and career women in particular. Now, it's certainly true that career women appear to be the greatest beneficiaries of feminism and often its most vocal supporters, however, there is no rule without an exception, as the Romans used to say.

Let's look at an average girl growing up in a "good family". It's nearly certain that her parents (often fathers) will push her to continue her education after she finishes school, so that she "makes something out of herself". There are several reasons for that. First, it's pretty much expected nowadays in those circles and you don't want to be the only loser whose daughter didn't graduate university. Second, it'll give her a better opportunity at catching a decent husband. Third, if she stays single or gets divorced she'll have means to support herself (try to find a job as a middle-aged lady without professional education in modern economy and you'll understand what I mean).

The point is, the society changed in such a way that young middle class women are encouraged by pretty much everybody in their lives to enter careers with an idea that a suitable man will simply appear out of the thin air a couple of years later. Once you start living on your own and work a regular full time job and get older, it becomes very difficult to find a husband. You are often exhausted after the day in the office and dating is the last thing on your mind, plus there is still housekeeping to be done.

Women are often accused of having unrealistic standards. It's true, to a degree, but one can hardly expect a woman with a high earning potential and a respectable white collar job to marry a man not capable of earning a comparable income. It's not in the women's nature to marry down and neither will their families approve of it. The whole situation is a mess and both men and women suffer from it. Western civilisation through the ages created certain mating rituals which got disrupted in the recent years, often with tragic consequences.

If there is a young single lady reading this blog I'd like to point out that the best age of searching for a husband is in your 20s and early 30s and that if you want to have a husband and a family, you should take efforts to achieve it. It won't just happen. Well, sometimes it does, just like some people win a million dollars in a lottery, but usually you have to do something for it. Jane Austen's novels where a heroine simply realises she's always been in love with her best friend and he proposes right away, are fine as entertainment, but they are not real life!


  1. Well, I understand what you mean by making something out of one's self due to modern feminist standards. I've studied hard in life for this purpose and now this education helps me about 30% in my everyday activities. Meaning I could have lived without these struggles for a professional future. The effort was too great for such a low practice. Who would invest the best materials in something that is going to be used ocassionally? My life means my family, not any career I could have made in my 20s if I had put into practice what others considered useful for me. YES, a husband does not appear if you don't do anything to catch an oportunity. A family is a precious gift that is worth giving up any ambition.

  2. I agree that a family is a precious gift. I wish more people would realise it!
    P.S. I deleted the double comment.

  3. We struggled somewhat with this when raising our daughters. We did emphasize a good education, but also stressed that being home with your children is a far higher calling than a career. Women without children should not feel obligated to always strive at a career. Our daughters did get their education but are thankful that they can stay home. Life is far too short to run a ragged rat race. I think their education has become valuable in other ways. Learning is not wasted in staying home. There are many opportunities in life to use what we have learned.

  4. I think feminism benefits middle class men much more than they want you to believe. In the times past, the line dividing middle class from lower class was whether unmarried daughters had to work. A man with daughters would always worry about their future, now, they are treated like sons and are expected to fend for themselves. For upper class, it's different since they have always had enough money not to worry about those things. The problem, of course, is not education in itself, it's anti-family mindset which prevails.

  5. Housewife from FinlandDecember 7, 2015 at 3:58 AM

    I think education is a splendid way to keep young lady busy while looking for that husband. :) In my opinion people should not marry too young, it is good that lady gets some education and works for couple of years so she can really appreciate her husband's hard work when she stays at home. And if lady is slightly older (I mean like 25-30) she can make more reasonable decision when it comes to choosing your future husband. Most yong women have no idea how good men look like... I know I did not.

    Since I studied and worked and was 25 when I met my husband I naturally think that this is the best order to do things. ;) But I do hope that young ladies would be smarter than I was and quit working right after they got married.

  6. It depends what you understand through education, Housewife from Finland. In my case education is a long period of time I could have achieved other important skills too, but unfortunately this did not happen. I am not against a degree or other skills for a future wife. But in my opinion if you invest in something that cost you a fortune then you should better use what you have worked for. It's not just about working before getting married it's the question- would you study medicine for 10 years for example just for feeling safe in society and then abandon things for staying at home? I must confess I haven't studied medicine but the idea is the same. I regret having worn my self out and I highly recommend my children to study eagerly but they should also think twice before giving up important oportunities in favor of other priorities.I don't remember who said that if a girl studies very much she will feel the necessity to work outside the home just to practice what she studied. This is not necessary to happen but it many occur.

  7. Great discussion, ladies! As I'm in the middle of housekeeping, I'll write my thoughts later.

  8. Housewife from FinlandDecember 7, 2015 at 9:35 AM

    Preoteasa Alexandra: I understand your point. But I still must disagree. I for example studied accounting. I didn't particularly enjoy it (Who would?) and I have never actually worked as a "real" accountant. (I worked once on a accounting department but I really did not need my education there.) I still do not regret studying accounting. I do not feel that I wasted my time. I do not feel that since I have studied something I should keep doing it forever. (I have several minor skills too that I have chosen not to use anymore.)

    I really believe that learning is always good. No matter what we study, it helps us to understand the world. Studying can be hard work and it helps us understand other people's hard work. Etc. Time used studying is NEVER wasted, even if person never ever uses those skills in real life.

    Disclaimer: Here in Finland studying is free and students actually get payed for it so it is no big deal if one happens to study something she will never use. I assume that if one has to pay for going to school mindset can be quite different.

  9. Here is a DM article highlighting the problems with women in health care:

    Here it's the same and worse, as a result we get dentists from Israel and surgeons from Czech Republic. My point, though, was to look at the situation from the point of view of an individual/family, not society. I guess it depends on what kind of education a woman gets, who pays for it, etc.

  10. What I was thinking about isn't just graduating university, but something much longer that implies health issues, money and high expectations from your family as a teenager. That's why I made a comparison with studying medicine. In my particular case it is something that implies my childhood and I prefered not to mention the whole story. Of course studying is ok, I studied foreign languages but this wasn't a waste in itself, the great effort was studying too many languages as a child simultaneously and struggling for many years for something unnecessary because I don't intend to leave my country. What I could have needed to know? More English and not so much German for example. But this is a stupid example because it applies to my school period not my entire life. The great picture is that I regret the health issues. Doing too much can hurt you. But I am trying my best now.

  11. Sometimes people expect too much from their daughters because they don't have sons. Anyway, your case illustrates my point, it's often ambitious parents who push their daughters into careers. It's difficult to go against your family's expectations, especially when you are young and female.

  12. It may be a general tendency of some families that didn't have access to some quality education in the past. I have a younger brother who benefitted the same upbringing like me and he switched everything in favor to science and engineering after college because he abandonned the idea of many foreign languages and concentrated on only one, English. Due to this change he succeeds now in his domain and I succeed in my homemaking.

  13. Housewife from FinlandDecember 8, 2015 at 3:13 AM

    Of course one should not study more than one is capable of. For example studying several foreign languages is not bad as such -so many people study languages just for fun. But if it gets too demanding, it makes no sense.

    Here in Finland everybody must study at least two foreign languages, english and swedish, and most people with half of a brain choose to study also third foreign language, so I always find it interesting how people in other countries seem to think that learning foreign languages is so big deal. Of course people usually are fluent in only one or two foreign languages but it is still very interesting and sometimes even helpful. And when studying languages you always study the culture also.

    My english is rather fluent and I can read ladies magazines in swedish and german. I have also studied french, spanish and russian so much (=little) that I wouldn't starve to death. I do not think that I have wasted my time when I studied several languages a little.

    But here in Finland knowing several languages is also kind of a class thing; If you speak only a little english and nothing else, you are either very old or extremely white trash.

  14. Housewife, my problem is the fact that I attended a special school where everything was taught in German from first grade to college and in addition to this there where 3 more languages that I have studied, English was the major foreign language I couldn't master so properly due to the huge effort I was facing with German mathematics etc. Then, my own language was a big deal I could not neglect as a main subject during my school time, meaning literature and stuff not only speaking your mothertongue. And finally, some French and Spanish, the latter ending with a medium level examination I had been studying paid classes for 1 year not just fun. All this should have been avoided to some extent. Many people consider this high class education but it has been pretty too much for me. I want a more simple life for my children. Less can be more if you arrange things well.

  15. Housewife from FinlandDecember 9, 2015 at 3:55 AM

    ^^I can understand that studying math in german is too much for anyone. :)