Sometimes you read a blog post or a newspaper article and wonder whether there are really people who live like this or did the author invent them to drive home a point he's trying to make. Mostly it has to do with what came to be known as "progressive" issues.
Housework division between the spouses is one of them, yet though it can be a sore point for many, up until now I've never really met anyone in real life obsessed with fair and just distribution of domestic tasks between husband and wife with emphasis being laid upon ensuring that the husband doesn't shirk. Well, I've made a discovery. Such women do exist. Unfortunately.
Have you noticed how many women nowadays will tell you with a sigh how they aren't really a domestic type and hate housework? What they actually are trying to say is that they consider taking care of simple chores like cooking and cleaning beneath them, which is hardly surprising, when you take into consideration princess mentality they were raised with by their boomer mothers.
There is something else I do find surprising, though. At a certain level of income, (and we are talking dual income over here), it doesn't really cost so much to hire a cleaning lady who will come once a week and free you from most housekeeping tasks, outside of basics. And still, many women refuse to do it but insist on making their husbands scrub the toilets.
There are two conclusions one can make: first, they really love money to such a degree that the idea of spending about 100 euro a month on a housekeeper looks like insanity to them (that's why they are a dual income household to begin with). And second, it's not about getting rid of domestic chores, it's about humiliating your husband. Since they see housework as degrading and all that.
For some folks it's all about social justice. This reminds me of a YouTube vid I watched recently which was about a poor Asian lady marrying some wealthy Mid-Eastern guy. They had quite a happy marriage, btw. Nearly all the female commenters hated on her and among many catty remarks one stood out to me: if she were such a good person, she'd be a social justice activist!!!
I think forcing the husband to watch his wife deliver a child, when he doesn't like it, falls into the same category. Like, you bastard, you made her pregnant (because no woman wants to have children on her own, it's always patriarchy forcing her!), now watch her suffer and repent of your sins! As if the poor bloke is responsible for God (or Nature if you wish) making it hard for women to give birth.
I'm not sure why so many men get along with it, but one thing I'm certain about: if you make your marriage and relationship about social justice you will be miserable and it will probably not last long. There is a reason men get these mail order brides...
I'm so old-fashioned! I don't understand all the modern women who want their husbands to do at least half of the household work, if not more; especially if the wife is home with children. (I can understand if both work, but it then should be a mutually worked out compromise.)
ReplyDeleteI love being a homemaker! I love that my husband goes out to "slay the dragon" everyday, without complaint. He is my hero! I worked for 13 years before I married and I did not like it one bit! I longed to be home, being creative, making life good for someone, free from the politics and drama of the workplace. I think I've said it before, our motto is "Dad makes the living, and Mom makes the living worthwhile."
The only problem I have with taking care of the house happened when my husband retired. He retired...I did not. I have always been home taking care of the house and garden and most of the landscaping. I still love taking care of that but now there is more to do with him home all the time and less time to do it. ;) He used to be away from home working and traveling to and from it so many hours a day. How will you get all the work needed to do around the home + any sewing or hobbies done minus 40 work + travel time hours a week your husband used to be gone ? He is with me daily pretty much 24/7 now. He wants to go out and eat a lot then stay out for a while afterwards too. That sounds great but takes a lot of time away from home too. Each day I never know what we will be doing. By the time we get home I still have to do what ever I can with the time left. Consequently the house gets only the most basic cleaning [if that at times]..but no deep cleaning or care. I get little down time. I can only do so much with the time left. I am sorry I sound like I am complaining so much. I just keep hoping to figure this out better. :) I know he deserves to retire...I am glad he got to do it. But in all the years since I sure miss time alone to get my work done..or just getting some done alone or not! :-)) I thought about hiring someone to do a few things once in a while but that never worked out and he would be here when they did and so it is the same! ;;) He is against hiring someone too. I am glad we have these years of even more time together as so many of our married friends have had their mates die. I realize that in the scheme of things keeping a cleaner house is not a big thing but part of it is also that I crave some alone time. :)) I am the kind of person who cherishes alone quiet times to recharge. He likes having me with him and does not need any alone time he says. His hobbies are ones he does at home. His male friends have moved or died and so he has no one to pal around with. He has so enjoyed these years of being home after so very many years of "slaying the dragon". He is a very good man. I just need to figure this out. I know he is not about to do half the housework that is for sure. I know my man! :-))) Sarah
ReplyDeleteRozy, for these types of people, it's not really about housework, it's all about "fairness" aka social justice. It's a mentality. I have realized that many women of North-Euro culture simply don't like men. They may like good things which come along with having a man in their lives, but often are either too self-centered to care of his needs (and I don't mean only sex), or simply distrust men and view them as potential misfits who will show it when given a chance. It's especially typical for the boomer generation who generally are very rebellious. They are like in their 60s but still think they are going to stick it to da man, or something. These are also women who chiefly didn't have to work but did their best to raise their daughters to be as feminist as possible.
ReplyDeleteI'm a "boomer", born in 1957, but I'm not typical in any sense. I graduated from high school in 1975 and kept my dream of being a wife, mother and homemaker to myself because I didn't like being ridiculed for my desires. My husband is so kind and generous to me, we have a good marriage and five wonderful children. Our one daughter is much like me, preparing for a career, but will give it up when the opportunity to pursue her dream of marriage and family comes. I think the pernicious attitude has to do with having or not having a religious worldview that informs us of the divine worth of both sexes and their complementary roles, strengths and weaknesses. One is not better than the other. We need each other!
DeleteI can see the day coming when my life will change somewhat, when my husband retires, like Sarah. We are empty nesters now and I'm doing a bit of subtle training so that we ease into a sharing of housekeeping work. "Housewife Outdoors" gives a good suggestion!
Sarah, I think an immaculate house is much less important that enjoying each other's company:) I generally think that cooking should be always given a priority over cleaning, since our health depends on it. Of course, every house needs some maintenance. You could hire someone to do heavy cleaning for you to come once in 2 weeks, on a day that you two go out, btw. For a 3 bedroom house 3 hours every two weeks should be enough.
ReplyDeleteAlso, buy a robot vacuum-cleaner:)
ReplyDeleteSanne, you are so right about many women hating men. You can see it how they try to change their husbands and nag all the time. Usually they try to demasculate them, make them some sort of half-women. If they manage to do that, they start whining because their husband is like another child and then they divorce.
ReplyDeleteI generally like most men. They are so generous and laid-back and usually do not stress about little things. They can handle everything with very little fuss. If that means you have to pick up their socks, who cares?
Of course there are many sorts of men but those what I see as real men are like that.
Sarah, why don't you just explain your husband how things are? Or if he suggest you go somewhere, say to him "I would love to do that, dear, but first the house must be cleaned. If you help me it will be done sooner. If you wont help, I will be too tired to go afterwards. Your choice."
I generally like men, too. I actually used to prefer the company of men to that of women before I got married. Best girl-friends excepted:) Women tend to be incredibly catty at times. Though judging by some internet types, men can apparently also be catty and toxic. And some are downright bullies. Neither sex has monopoly on sin or virtue.
ReplyDeleteRozy, I know not all boomers are like that! It's easy to hate on them yet I keep thinking that when they are no more we Xers will be the next to go. We aren't bright young things ourselves any more, unfortunately, though I sometimes feel I still am:)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, in my estimation the boomer generation (and that includes silents, too) was sold an idea of being social rebels fighting for justice and equality by embracing sexual revolution, easy divorce and other things. That wasn't their fault entirely, but the powers that be promoted it at that moment and the boomers fell for it hook, line, and sinker. They were told they had been oppressed by having decency standards, while, on the other hand, they were prob the first generation to fully embrace consumerism. People before cared about their honour and reputation, for the boomers it was all about material wealth, and the mothers taught their daughters (Xers) that life is all about "having fun", "being liberated" and having more stuff than the previous generations. It's a topic one could talk about for hours so I'd better quit...
I know we could talk for hours! But we're on the same page and I enjoy your blog. Keep up the good work.
DeleteThanks, Rozy!
ReplyDelete